Pope Benedict XVI, while on a recent trip to Portugal, has for the first time admitted that all the allegations of decades long sexual abuses perpetrated by Roman Catholic priests in countries around the globe were not just attempts by the media and enemies of the Church to discredit it. “Today we see in a truly terrifying way that the greatest persecution of the Church does not come from outside enemies, but is born of sin within the Church,” said the Pontiff. Of course, now the phrase the “sin within.”, due to it’s alliterative value, is currently and frantically being working into at least fifty new rock, rap and reggae songs by various artists.
Long famous for it’s iron clad control of it’s inner workings, the Catholic Church, operating out of the backroom of it’s private Vatican City social club, “Peter and Paul’s Biscotti and Espresso Bar”, has for centuries relied on the code of ‘Omerta’ to keep a lid on it’s machinations regarding everything from sneaking Nazi war criminals out of Europe after WWII to sex abuse by it’s priests. But over the last two decades this code of silence has been steadily eroding as victims stepped forward and local, state and federal investigations began.
Cardinal Wegmanio (Grassoccio) Acquacasa, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “Ah, it ain’t like da old days, ya know? Back den, a guy knew ta keep his trap shut or dere was gonna be payback. He was gonna get ‘excommunicated’ wit extreme prejudice, if ya know wat I’m sayin. But it’s all goin ta hell in a hand basket nowadays…people ain’t got no respect for da Family anymore.”
In truth, the Roman Catholic Church has for millennia rivaled the Sicilian Mafia in it’s ability to keep both it’s highest level inner workings down to the actions of it’s village priests shielded from public view. However, the sheer scale of the abuses, along with the increasing evidence that Vatican City has been intentionally moving the sexual predators in their midst’s from parish to parish, state to state and even country to country in an effort to hide the problem has brought to light a criminal conspiracy on a massive scale, one that can no longer be swept under the Papal carpet.
At first the Church had tried blaming outside forces bent on discrediting it, then attempted to portray the abuses as isolated incidents at worst, but now has finally been forced to concede that the epidemic is both widespread and pervasive within the supposedly ‘celibate’ Church. Pope Benedict XVI, the current Capo de Capo of the Roman Catholic Church, or “This Holy Thing of Ours”, as insiders call it, and one of the scariest looking Popes since the Spanish Inquisition, has begun to try a new tact…admitting to this crime in an attempt to keep the rest of the secrets of the Family (Famiglia di Dio) safe.
Acquacasa, continuing to speak on the condition of Sanctity of the Confessional said, “At first da Boss (Pope Benedict XVI) and da rest of da Capo’s (The Cardinals) figured it was some of da other Families (Protestants, Baptists, etc) tryin ta make trouble for us…youse knows what I mean- makin us look bad on the streets. But when da Feds got involved and some of dese kids started rattin us out we knewse we was lookin at some serious issues. Sending dese soldiers (the offending priests) to da mattresses or movin em to other territories wasn’t gonna work no more. So Benny Four Square (as he’s known around Vatican City) had ta come wit somthin different.”
And thus the unprecedented admission by the highest ranking member of the Church that these abuses did indeed take place. It is a desperate move, probably necessary, but fraught with danger as well. With collections at the street level falling and hurting the Church’s bottom line by depriving it of a vital source of tax-free revenue and lawsuits forcing it to pay out millions of dollars, the Church finds itself looking at the very real possibility of selling off a Pieta or two from the Don’s private collection to make up the shortfall.
Far worse, these allegations have increased calls for the Church to open up it’s “spiritual books” going back nearly two thousand years in an attempt to answer questions ranging from the arrangement of the first Bible to what the hell the Templar’s actually did that got them all whacked back in 1307. The phrase ‘taking it on faith’ is rapidly giving way to ‘taking it in the shorts’ and clearly Don Benedict XVI has to do something before he ends up like Roberto Calvi, the man known as “God’s Banker” because of his links to the Vatican, who was found hanged under Blackfriars Bridge in 1982. Vatican ‘penance’ can be pretty extreme sometimes. .
Finally, Acquacasa, speaking on condition that the meek shall inherit the earth, “As long as they stay fuckin meek, if ya know wat I’m sayin” said, “So da Don’s headed out to Fatima or some fuckin place to try and get dis thing straightened out once and for all. We’re lookin at reachin out to maybe a half million street level guys at dis one meet alone. But to tell ya da truth, I ain’t so sure it’s gonna work out. Goin to a place where three little kids say dey saw the Virgin Mother may not be the best move. It’s…waddaya call it…ironic at best.”