Pope Benedict XVI's Open Letter Regarding The Sex Abuse Scandal

To my faithful Catholic Children of all ages throughout the world,

I must say, I was shocked, shocked I tell you, at the allegations of the sexual abuse of children by Priests in Ireland, Germany, the United States, Fiji, Zambia, South Africa, Brazil, Chile, Mexico and, as it now appears to be, in far too many more countries to mention here…so let’s just say, all of them everywhere…and that should cover it. The fact that while I was still a Bishop back in the good old Vaterland, allegations that I actually was both aware of this abuse and even helped cover it up have been even more shocking; at least, the fact that I got caught doing it is. I was really counting on Divine Intervention to handle that.

Anyway, now everyone is starting to question whether or not having women serving the Church in amore…uh, I mean in a more…substantial capacity may lower the incidences of child sexual abuse among male Priests. To them I reiterate- the Catholic Church and it’s centuries long practice of both Priestly Celibacy and these recent allegations of abuse prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Church is not really a ‘chick-oriented’ organization, so just forget it. It ain’t gonna happen on my watch.

Look, let’s be frank here- you put a bunch of sexually frustrated guys in loose fitting long gowns together with a bunch of alter and choir boys also wearing pretty gowns, add a little Sacrificial Wine and the potential of forgiveness from the confessional by other priests in long gowns and things are bound to happen. And let’s face it, if God didn’t want it to happen, it wouldn’t have. After all, He does work in Mysterious Ways, and while these instance of the Priestly boinging of boys are perhaps a little more mysterious than some others I could mention, we must assume as a Matter of Faith that the physical and emotional destruction of these young boy’s lives are part of His Plan. As your Holy Father, not to mention His chief go-to guy on Earth, I’ve actually spoken to Him once or twice about it. His response was something along the lines of, “Dude, what did you expect?” I have taken this to mean that He was both aware of the issue and wasn’t too concerned about it, so you shouldn’t be either.

One thing I learned as child, back when I was a member of another, albeit slightly crazier group,one that also hero-worshiped an Earthly Master and obeyed him without question, was that even when things seem to be getting a little out of hand, you’ve just got to put your doubts aside and follow the leader…go with the flow, as it were.

So in closing, let me say a few things- first, yeah, yeah, we’re all sorry and stuff, but what’s done is done; so let’s just move on. Second- you women can just forget about a larger role in the Church; it would just throw a wrench in the works and finally, if you people keep harping on this, I’m gonna ask God personally to put the Smite on all of you (and you know I can do it too), so just leave it alone.

Here’s wishing you a safe and joyful Easter Season and all that stuff,

God Bless,
Pope Benedict XVI
(or Benny Four Square as I’m known on my Facebook Page)