WASHINGTON – President George W. Bush says the “left-wing bias” in the way his administration is covered by the satirical press is undermining the American way of life. Although Bush admits he is not computer-literate, “There are people working for me who are, and from what they tell me I can’t get a break from satire writers on the Internet. They’re out to make fun of everything I do and to mock the Christian values this country is built on. I haven’t heard of one positive thing that’s ever been written about me in the satirical press.”
Mr. Bush also questioned the accuracy of his Web-based critics. “I’ve got to wonder where they get their information,” he mused, looking more simian than usual. “It’s like they think they can just make stuff up. I guess they never heard of fax checkers.”
The president, who was wearing $10,000 Tony Lama Endangered Species boots as he left for yet another weekend at Camp David, seemed particularly annoyed about coverage of Miss Beazley, the ten-week-old Scottish terrier puppy he gave to his wife, Laura, for her birthday this year.
“I didn’t think it was a bit funny, them writers saying I chose a young puppy because an older one would be smarter than I am. What kind of message does that send to terrorists? Freedom isn’t funny. Just ask people who aren’t free.”
Another burr under the president’s back patch is the criticism of his confusion over Sri Lanka. “I did not say it was up near Nantucket like one ‘newz’ source reported,” said the president. “Besides, they’ve got a nerve criticizing me when they can’t even spell ‘news’ correctly.”
When one reporter, a dowager with a diamond-encrusted hump on her back who was obviously a plant, asked if there wasn’t “something you can do about these left-wing [m]aggots,” the president said he was looking into it.
“I’m told there’s this fella named Google who’s planning to take over the Internet and read everybody’s e-mail soon. Sounds like my kind of guy. When he does, I’ll offer him a cabinet post. Then those ‘newz’ sights won’t be able to say anything about me that isn’t good. If they do, Google will send his Web trawlers out to intercept them, and they won’t be heard from again.”
In related newz, Washington insiders believe Senator John Kerry may be considering another run for the White House. Yesterday Kerry scheduled a press conference to explain what he thought he meant when he voted against the nomination of Condoleezza Rice for secretary of state-and how what he thought he meant might differ from what he actually meant.