WASHINGTON, D.C. — Early this morning, President Bush, Karl Rove and other aides took turns holding lit matches to the Constitution. After the Constitution burned up, the fire quickly spread and the White House is now burning to the ground. Administration officials said that the mess should be cleared up soon, as FEMA has already arrived on scene to assist.
Hurricane Katrina relief funds will be diverted to extinguishing the fire. Halliburton has already received a twenty billion dollar contract to try to put the fire out.
“Our strategy is going to be to douse the fire with Hurricane Katrina relief money,” said Halliburton CEO Dave Lesar. Lesar also said, “The idea is to smother the fire with cash, but if we don’t have enough cash we may end up burning a lot of it in the process. That is just normal, and should be expected. We will pour as much money onto this fire as necessary.”
President Bush spoke with reporters about the need to ensure that they get enough cash to douse the fire with, and that it won’t be his fault if a lot cash goes up into flames, since he has requested more than enough funds to properly put the fire out.
“We may need about two or three trillion dollars to ensure the fire is adequately extinguished. If Congress doesn’t appropriate the necessary funds for this, it won’t be my fault if we burn the money that is thrown into the fire. We need to throw enough money onto the fire to deprive it of oxygen,” President Bush told reporters.
Congressman Dennis Hastert has already issued a statement saying that he expects a two trillion dollar emergency supplemental appropriations bill to be passed within hours. Hastert said the important thing is to get enough money on top of that fire. Senator Bill Frist said that since the Constitution has now been officially burned, the need for Congress to pass an appropriations bill before it becomes law is in doubt.
“The Constitution is gone, so there are no powers the President can assume that would be extraconstitutional. I think the President can now pass his own appropriations bills as indiscriminately as he would like,” Senator Frist told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer.