President Bush Unwraps Faith Based Environmental Protection Program

Calling environmentally concerned scientists “a bunch of atheists who don’t trust the Lord to look after his own creation,” President George Bush announced the “Uncloudy Skies Act” which emphasizes prayer and church attendance over economically crippling regulation of US industrial production.

When asked if he intended to ratify the Kyoto protocol in his second term, Bush said that the claim that the world’s climates were changing was false and that anyway it had nothing to do with greenhouse gas emissions which in any case are natural and besides China was just as much to blame as the US.

EPA administrator Jess Leavitt said that he was committed not to let special interest groups such as environmentalists and scientists hijack the process. “All US citizens,” Leavitt said, “human and corporate, have a stake in environmental issues. The health of the economy must not be sacrificed to serve those only interested in the health of the planet.” He rejected the idea that America should be subjected to “some kind of global test” before deploying its industrial waste products. He said he “wasn’t about to let the French tell him where to take a sh*t” and that if the UN Convention on Climate Change persisted in its anti-US diatribes it was in manifest danger of becoming irrelevant.

When asked about the costs to the economy of events such as the thirteen hurricanes that devastated the southeast and the Caribbean this past season, including 18 billion dollars of emergency aid sent to Florida and another 25 thousand sent to Haiti, Bush said: “the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.” He referred to a boom in new housing construction and the aversion of what would have been a crippling budged deficit in the state of which his brother Jeb currently is governor. “The Bible says ‘every cloud has a silver lining,’ and that’s something the tree huggers never want to see.”

Bush said that environmental groups “hated the freedoms” of American entrepreneurs and had hired lobbyists and PR firms to “demonize our God given prosperity as some kind of unsustainable over-consumption of resources.” They also control Hollywood and the media, he pointed out, who only show images of natural devastation and never any of its benefits, creating a distorted picture of reality in many people’s minds. “Because they focus on it,” Bush said, “a lot of people are fooled into thinking the eco whatever’s getting worse, which is why my new initiative provides incentives for church groups to get more involved. If more people put their faith in the Lord, these chicken littles would have to go home to roost.”