WASHINGTON, D.C.–President-elect Barack Obama has announced earth-shattering plans, which will virtually guarantee every man, woman, and child a future of plenty without the need for any kind of work. The plans are all laid out in his infrastructure
spending investment plan.
“We have found a way where the government can now create an unlimited amount of debt, run unlimited deficits, spend unlimited amounts of money, print money until there are no trees left, ensure the stability of the dollar, make all goods non-economic goods by completely eliminating scarcity (like super-abundant air, which nobody has to work for), and guarantee that every man, woman, and child will have abundance,” said President-elect Barack Obama. “We cracked the code to prosperity. We can even guarantee intelligence for every man, woman, and child. I am going to create utopia.”
President-elect Barack Obama’s plan will guarantee every American a college degree, and ensure that government becomes totally, 100% efficient, contrary to the very nature of government. Although VA benefits are largely fictional and the government hasn’t the means to keep up with promises to veterans, President-elect Obama has ensured us that the government will certainly be able to keep these promises without inflicting any damage on the economy whatsoever.
The President-elect also spoke about the need to ensure that every medical facility in the country has an electronic medical records system that is tied straight into Homeland Security’s database, insisting that this has nothing to do with a breach of privacy, but to make healthcare more efficient. While the VA already uses electronic medical records but is totally inefficient, President-elect Obama insists that the VA is just an anomaly.
“We have found a way to change the nature of government. Government is now productive, since I will be running it,” President-elect Obama told reporters.
The government will be able to guarantee that everybody becomes intelligent by guaranteeing a college degree to every American. Since it is unrealistic to expect the government to be able to
indoctrinate educate everybody at colleges and universities, the government will be running the printing presses to print not only tons of dollars, but also college degrees. People will be able to obtain a college degree on demand by sending a check to the Democratic National Committee for $500.
President-elect Barack Obama has warned Americans that if they are thinking about paying for college to not do so, because the government will pay for it instead, and also make both the college degree as well as the highschool diploma totally worthless in the process.
“So if you think you will never be interested in having a college degree, then don’t bother making it through highschool, because by the time my administration gets done, a highschool diploma won’t be good for anything,” said President-elect Barack Obama.
President-elect Barack Obama insists that the more the government spends, the more efficient the government will be. He also said that the way to make all of these government buildings efficient is not to shut the power off and liquidate them by selling them to the productive free market, but to spend trillions of dollars on unprofitable, and thus inefficient, solar energy systems. According to President-elect Barack Obama, he recently invented a new form of solar energy that isn’t inefficient. And he likes the idea of turning efficient food into inefficient fuel, which also will somehow make everything more efficient.
spending investing trillions of tax dollars into these projects, this will actually save a bunch of money. My crack team of economists has figured out a way to save more by spending more. In fact, I strongly encourage every American family to try the same thing, by running up their credit cards. In the end, they will find that they have saved a lot,” said President-elect Obama.
“If you are thinking about going back to work, don’t. Stay home, stay on your couch, the government checks are coming to everybody. We will be increasing unemployment benefits, as well. And after my plan is enacted by the Congress, work will be impossible-to-find, and totally unnecessary as a means to prosperity. Prosperity is going to fall out of the sky like manna,” said President-elect Barack Obama.