President George W. Bush announces plan to help veterans

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an effort to mitigate the impact from the compromised personal information of 26.5 million veterans, President Bush has announced a plan to help ensure veterans do not become victims of identity theft. While holding up an implantable RFID chip, President Bush spoke about his administration’s commitment to helping veterans.

“With the personal information of 26.5 million veterans having been compromised, the time to act is now. To ensure that impostors do not use personal information of veterans to steal their benefits, I am ordering that the Department of Veterans’ Affairs only see veterans who take an implantable RFID chip,” said President Bush.

Against a backdrop of skulls and crossbones, the number 666, and swastikas, President Bush said, “I swear this has nothing to do with Satan, the Devil, Beelzebub, the Antichrist, or the mark of the beast. Veterans should be able to rest comfortably knowing that we already have a chip with their name and number on it.”

White House staffer Dee S. Troy said this will go a long way towards ensuring that veterans get the benefits and services they deserve.

“The goal here is to ensure veterans do not have their benefits stolen by an impostor,” said Dee S. Troy. “Do not forget that veterans also obtain services at places other than just the VA, such as Social Security. Eventually, this program of requiring an implantable RFID chip will have to be expanded to all Americans, to help protect the veterans.”

Department of Veterans’ Affairs Director of Security, Robin Banks, is the one who has been tasked with implementing the RFID chip program. In a trial run, there were problems with the implantable RFID chips setting off security screening detectors.

“This shouldn’t be a problem. What the VA can do is issue every veteran a self-surgery kit containing a pair of scissors, tweezers, dental floss, and bandaids, so that the veteran can remove the implantable RFID chip upon going through the metal dector, then re-implant the chip after passage, and then sew up the skin,” said Robin Banks.

While VA employees strongly support the new measures, most veterans are against having to receive an implantable RFID chip.

“Every American should have to receive an implantable RFID chip. It’s to support the veterans, so that they don’t become victims of identity theft,” said one VA employee, speaking on condition of anonymity.