WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the weekend, administration security officials briefed President Bush about Iranian involvement in what the President thought was Iraq. As a result of the briefings, the President ordered the U.S. Ambassador to Iraq, Zalmay Khalilzad, to issue a statement condemning Iran’s “meddling” in Iraq.
But in a strange course of developments, we have now learned that President Bush was confused by security officials and White House aides, who were talking about Iranian race car driver Laleh Seddigh competing in the International Race of Champions – commonly referred to as IROC.
In an effort to save face, the White House remains steadfast in its claims about Iranian meddling, but is now concerned with IROC.
“Iranians meddling in IROC will not be tolerated. The United States and the rest of the world will not stand idly by while Iranian race car drivers compete in this sport,” declared President Bush.
Efforts to step up security for IROC are now being implemented. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announced plans to have the Department of Homeland Security take control of the sport.
“We are going to nationalize the sport, creating a new agency within the Department of Homeland Security called the IROC Governing Ministry. We will do everything to ensure that IROCis are free and secure from Iranian influence,” said Secretary Chertoff.
From now on, Secretary Michael Chertoff will be the official in charge of running IROC.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld also announced plans to have a “strong military presence” at all IROC events.
“Depending on what kind of resistance we get from the fans, drivers, and other IROC personnel over nationalizing the sport, this could be a long, hard slog. There could be a stiff IROC insurgency, but our Armed Forces are the best in the world, and with outstanding contractors, such as Halliburton, we should have no problem taking over the sport,” said Secretary Rumsfeld.
Secretary Rumsfeld also said that if the U.S. military meets any resistance, he will order that the military “Shock & Awe” the fans at IROC events.
“We will do whatever it takes to liberate IROC from Iranian involvement,” Rumsfeld said. “How dare this Iranian lady, Laleh Seddigh, think that she can compete in an American sporting event.”
Vice President Dick Cheney has already awarded financial control over IROC to Halliburton CEO Dave Lesar. All revenues from IROC racing will go directly into the bank accounts of Lesar, Cheney, Bush, and others in the Bush administration.
Unlike Paul Wolfowitz’s declaration that Iraqi oil would pay for the war in Iraq, the Bush administration said that all revenues from IROC racing would go directly into their bank accounts, while all funds used for operational expenses would come from the taxpayers.
People from all political persuasions, except for Republicans, have expressed concern over the plans to take over IROC.
“We’re already bogged down in a quagmire in Iraq, and now the President wants to do IROC?” asked one government official, speaking on condition of anonymity.