WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking press conference, President George W. Bush announced that he has a “good idea” where the evasive Weapons of Mass Destruction are. Administration officials are now convinced that the WMDs are in the “same location” as Jimmy Hoffa’s body.
“We,” President Bush said, “have a very good idea where the WMDs are. They are in the same location as Jimmy Hoffa’s body. The problem is, we don’t have a good idea about where Hoffa’s body is.”
The FBI first learned that the WMDs are with Hoffa’s body when an anonymous mafia informant told investigators about this juxtaposition. Because of this new revelation, the FBI has partnered up with the Department of Defense, dovetailing the search for Jimmy Hoffa with the search for WMDs.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld spoke with reporters about the latest developments in the hunt for WMDs. At first, Secretary Rumsfeld expressed optimism over knowing that the WMDs are with Hoffa’s body. Then, Secretary Rumsfeld expressed concern over the fact that the FBI has absolutely no clue where Hoffa’s body is.
“It is my understanding that there are a lot of rumors and speculation about where Hoffa’s body is. The most reliable information that we have so far is that Hoffa’s body is in an area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat,” said Secretary Rumsfeld. “We’re quite certain that we will find the WMDs as soon as we find Hoffa.”
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said this information must mean that Hoffa’s body was dismembered so that it could be disposed of in so many different locations.
“How Hoffa’s body ended up with the WMDs is still anybody’s guess. But rest assured: One day, the government will find both,” said FBI spokeswoman Faye Kerr. “We plan to use anthropologists, archaeologists and cadaver-sniffing dogs. We’re quite certain that we will find Hoffa as soon as we find the WMDs.”
The FBI has already excevated one site, which has raised more questions than it has given answers. It turned out to be a mass grave near Tikrit, Iraq. But now FBI agents are wondering which one, if any, of these is Jimmy Hoffa? The search for Hoffa and the WMDs continues.