President George W. Bush signs the J.D. Hayworth Suicide Prevention Act of 2007

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Early this morning, President George W. Bush signed into a law a bill named after former Congressman J.D. Hayworth (R-AZ). The bill is called the J.D. Hayworth Suicide Prevention Act of 2007. The bill passed through the House and Senate earlier this month.

“Nobody has worked as tirelessly as former Congressman Hayworth to help prevent suicide by combating the Constitution,” said President Bush. “The former Congressman helped remind us all that the Constitution isn’t supposed to be a suicide pact.”

The bill was named in honor of former Congressman Hayworth because he helped popularize the phrase, “The Constitution isn’t supposed to be a suicide pact.” The phrase was first used by Justice Robert H. Jackson.

“What most Americans seem to forget is that the President’s war on terror, and all the rest of his policies, dovetail with suicide prevention. Until we get that damn document away from our schools, off of our minds, and out of our heads, Americans are at great risk for committing suicide by way of a dirty bomb, or mushroom cloud,” said former Congressman Hayworth.

The bill fully funds teams of Republican Party mental health professionals in every state. They will be tasked with screening all Americans – except for Republicans – for suicidal tendencies with periodic mandatory questionnaires.

Some of the questions on the questionnaire include the following:

Have you ever read the Constitution?

Do you take the Constitution literally?

Do you believe there should be limits to executive power?

Describe your views of President Bush and Vice President Cheney:

The bill originally mandated screenings for all Americans for pro-Constitution, anti-Bush, suicidal tendencies, but some legislators felt that would be too costly, time consuming, and would be an unnecessary invasion of the privacy of Republicans.

Congressman John Kline (R-MN) added a provision that exempts registered Republicans who have donated at least $100 to the Republican Party from the mandatory screening program.

“There was little reason to screen people who are already Republican Party members. That would be a duplicative effort. My provision to the bill helps reduce costs and streamline the program by eliminating some of the red tape. The provision allows for mental health professionals to access voter registration and Republican Party membership databases,” said Congressman Kline.

“Our studies show that a significant percentage of Americans disapprove of warrantless eavesdropping. Obviously, this means many Americans have suicidal tendencies,” said Republican Party member and Johns Hopkins University psychiatrist, Dr. Ken Steele. “We have to do everything we can to identify those who support the Constitution, which is a gateway to opposing President Bush, and then suicide. Bush’s poll numbers prove America has a serious mental health crisis that is like a ticking time bomb,” said Dr. Steele.

The bill strengthens healthcare for suicidal Americans by mandating treatment that uses both pharmaceutical and sensory intervention. Treatment will include things like having people attend Republican Party meetings, or watching FOX News, and donating either $100, $1,000, or $100,000 to the Republican Party. The bill mandates that phone lines to all anti-Bush political parties and organizations be re-routed to the suicide prevention hotline, and the suicide prevention hotline will be re-routed to Republican Party headquarters in Washington, D.C.

ACLU attorneys expressed concern that some of the regulations violate Constitutional rights, but they were immediately committed for being suicidal by treating the Constitution like it’s a suicide pact.

Unconfirmed Sources had a chance to interview one person who is already in treatment under the new program for their suicidal tendencies. This person wishes to remain anonymous, but is willing to disclose their occupation as a writer for Unconfirmed Sources.

“I used to think it was acceptable to speak freely about President Bush not being the best man for the job. For the longest time I believed in the First Amendment, and I thought Habeas Corpus was the bedrock of this country. I once thought about voting for a Libertarian, even. But then I realized those beliefs are a lot like holding a gun to my head, only worse. It is like dropping a mushroom cloud right on top of my whole city,” said anonymous. “I have overcome my suicidal tendencies. I attend Republican Party meetings almost every day now.”