President George W. Bush vows to ensure 'no election fraud'

WASHINGTON, D.C.–President George W. Bush held a press conference earlier today, responding to allegations by one of the leading news networks, the Onion News Network, that the election is going to be rigged in favor of John McCain.

“These allegations made by the Onion News Network are totally irresponsible and without any merit,” said President Bush. “At this point, my administration has no intention of rigging the election in favor of John McCain, because we are planning on creating an emergency crisis in order to cancel the elections altogether. I am going to remain President into the foreseeable future. The Onion News Network’s story about a rigged election is shoddy journalism.” President Bush said that by canceling the elections altogether, this will ensure that there will be “no election fraud.”

The Onion News Network issued a story retracting the earlier story, but insisted that they only reported what had been leaked to the news network. “If there was a mistake,” said an ONN anchor, “it is because somebody with an agenda wanted to spread disinformation, probably trying to conceal the administration’s plans to cancel the elections.”

Republican Party strategist, Faye Kerr, called this a bold move, a win-win situation, and said that this is certain to win over some of the conspiracy-minded folks who are against election rigging and fraud. “By not having an election at all, this would certainly disarm those critics. They should be satisfied knowing that there will be no election to steal,” explained Faye Kerr. “This should also satisfy conservative Republicans who see John McCain has being too liberal on some issues. They will get President Bush for another term, instead.”

Like on any issue, there are still a few holdouts who don’t believe it is necessary to declare martial law and abolish elections altogether in order to ensure a fair election. “This is akin to drowning the patient in order to cure dehydration,” said internet activist Ike N. Ceeurli.