WASHINGTON — Shocked by the thousands of negative responses following his decision to commute Scooter Libby’s sentence, President Bush today, signed an executive order pardoning everyone confined to prison.
” I just want to tell the American people that I’m not showing any favoritism,” said the President from his Crawford ranch where he is taking his monthly two-week vacation.
Following the executive order, state and federal prisons threw open their gates and inmates gleefully streamed into freedom. but panic soon took over, as residents near the prisons locked their doors and armed themselves.
Warden Fred Winkler of the Leavenworth, Kansas Federal Prison huddled beneath his desk, 9mm automatic in his hand, as freed inmates wandered from their open cells. ” Lots of those bad guys don’t like me” he whispered.
Bank robber George Thadeus, released from Folsom Prison in California after 23 years of incarceration was captured shortly after he handed a note to the teller of the 1st State Bank in Folsom demanding money. Captain Kenneth Banks of the Folsom police said Thadeus was taken to the city jail where he was promptly released for the second time.
The annual Fourth of July celebration in Starke, Florida, home of the state prison, was cancelled, as panicked parents kept their children behind locked doors, fearing for their safety from what they perceived as droolng sex fiends roaming their streets.
Small time drug pushers quickly returned to their corners and set up shop. Drunks lined up at motor vehicle offices to reapply for their suspended licenses. Wife beaters phoned up their spouses pleading for a second chance. White collar criminals removed their orange jump suits and purchased white collars and ties.
Serial mass murderer, Henrietta West, released from the Detroit Confinement Center for the Criminally Insane, demurely filled out an employment application to become a nanny.
Famous cult murderer Charles Manson of the Tate-LaBlanca killings blinked as the sun shone on his swastika-tattooed brow and gray beard for the first time in 16 years. “I’m joining Charles Colson’s Prison Mission.” he explained. “I understand he’s making some big bucks there.”
Democrats generally approved Bush’s move. Nancy Pelosi, House Speaker, said, ” I rarely praise the President, but what is fair for one, is fair for all!”
U.S. Department of Justice spokesman, Larry Weathers, said he is negotiating with the Department of Education to turn the deserted prisons into inner-city schools. The security is already on site,” he said. “and they will be safe schools, as we’ll have more security guards than teachers.
U.S. Army recruiters quickly set up emergency enlistment stations near all the country’s prisons.
“Fantastic opportunity!” said Capt. Dale Vincetti. outside of the Sing Sing, N.Y. prison ” Those rural kids we promised to make pilots, and then send to Baghdad, are getting wise and not showing up. We’re making up our quotas now from these ex-felons who never even knew a war was going on, while they watched the basketball games on the prison TV’s.”
Republicans throughout the nation were happy to see the President’s approval rating rise from 6 percent to 9 percent as the result of his move.