Provincetown, MA Judge Bans Private Nudity

Stating that current regulations against public nudity don’t go far enough, Provincetown, MA judge Gordon Piper has now placed restrictions against nudity in ones own home, except the bathroom.

“It has been drawn to my attention”, Piper stated as he issued his decision, “that many residents of this town have been parading naked through hallways, living rooms, kitchens and other rooms where nudity is not normally exposed. In order to maintain a Christian community and to remain in compliance with the laws and wishes of the people of Massachusetts, nudity will no longer be allowed outside the bathroom except in bedrooms where it may be allowed for limited time with dim or no lighting”.

Piper stated Massachusetts General Laws 13978, Section 14, Paragraph B, Subsection C which reads “thou shalt not entertain nudity upon thy premises for to do so Creates Anger from the Almighty”. The law was written by Puritans in 1623 and is still on the books.

Piper has asked local law enforcement to perform random spot checks on local homes to confirm citizens remain in compliance with the ruling by knocking on doors and peeking in windows.

“It’s very simple”, Piper explained to Unconfirmed Sources after the ruling. “If an officer peers though a window and sees nudity then the person is in violation. Also, if someone answers the door in a towel or bathrobe then the assumption must be that the person had been naked prior to the arrival of the officer and citations will be issued. If the law is violated more than three times then the citizen risks jail time.”

Piper took the ruling a step further by claiming that bra, panties and briefs or boxers could also apply to the definition of “nude”.

Concerned citizens claim they will challenge the ruling before the Massachusetts Supreme Court.

“Don’t bother”, Piper stated. “They’re as sexually repressed as I am!”