Provincetown, MA Schoolchildren Angry After Being Denied Condoms

Provincetown, MA schoolchildren from grade 1 through 5 complained bitterly today that they are being denied access to condoms and are being treated unfairly because of their ages.

Until recently the school department provided children from grades one through twelve with condoms free of charge and without reporting condom users to parents. However, due to public outcry, children in grades one through four will not be able to acquire free condoms even with parental consent.

“All the big kids get condoms”, complained 9 year old third grader Jeffrey Hopkins. “We used to get them but now they took them away. How can I make sure my chick doesn’t get pregnant?”

School board members argued that children are becoming sexually active at younger and younger ages and it is imperative that young children be able to practice birth control. Many angry parents argued that children younger than 11 should not have access to birth control and by providing them with condoms is an endorsement of early sexual behavior.

“Damn, I didn’t get laid until I was 16!” said John Volpe, a 38 year old father of two young children. “Can’t these kids wait until they at least reach their teens?”

“I want condoms and I deserve them!” screamed 11 year old Ricky Huskins. “I’m as old as those fifth graders and I’m being discriminated against because I was held back a year!”

School principal Arthur Harrington explain to Ricky that he will not be allowed to have sex until “he gets those math scores up”.