Punk band manage to get Bush voted out

Known for controversial songs such as “Stars and Stripes,” “Die For Your Government,” and “Turncoat,” Philadelphia punk band Anti-flag managed to single-handedly get President George W. Bush voted out of office. “Wow, we didn’t realize that so many voters listened to our music,” reports a slightly fazed Justin Sane, lead singer. “While we did want kids to vote, we were positive our songs were us venting our frustration at the state the government has been reduced to. Honestly, we thought drunken teenagers had sex to our music. Bonus.

“In our latest album, ‘The Terror State,’ we had facts and figures of all the calamities Bush has performed during his political career printed throughout the jacket,” adds Chris Head, vocalist and guitarist. “At least we know people are reading them.”

Christine Armstrong is among the teenagers reading the liner notes. “When September 11th happened, I actually thought President Bush was incredibly brave for having to control a country in such turmoil,” recalls the age of majority teen. “But then I started doing research and discovered certain events and incidents that the presidential spin doctors tried to keep covered up, like Bush allegedly using cocaine and then tightening prison sentences that are drug related, and raping a woman and then paying for her abortion. He was even warned about the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks. That shit’s not cool, dude. I’m super glad Anti-flag opened my eyes.”

Among those not glad, however, is the former president in question. “How could millions of people vote me out of office simply because a punk rock group told them to? Don’t they remember all the programs I initiated, such as No Child Left Behind and the Working Families Tax Relief Act? Come on, I brought down Saddam Hussein! We all make mistakes. So what if I happened to make four years’ worth?”

When asked who they would take on next, the men of Anti-flag thought for a minute and replied, “We might try to join forces with Michael Moore. His next project is documenting the health care crisis. We could write some songs for it. If it’s successful, we could even start a new genre of music. We could be a medical punk band. How do you like the sound of ‘Doctor Greed?’ Doctor, doctor, it’s your help I need. But you’re too consumed with sin and greed!” Jamming ensued.