Racing Legend Speed Racer Dead at 58

Auto racing legend Speed Racer was found dead this morning in his rented room by his ex-wife Trixie, according to news reports. He was 58 years old.

“I had no idea Speed was so depressed. If I had known maybe I could have saved him!” Trixie remorsefully stated then quickly added, “Not that I would have”.

No cause of death was given though it was known that Racer had drug and alcohol issues for many years. Suicide has not been ruled out.

Racer rose to prominence in the early 1970’s as an ‘adrenaline junkie’ who enjoyed racing at speeds exceeding 200MPH in his powerful jet propelled car the Mach V. However, the claimed designer of the car, Speed’s father “Pops” Racer actually stole the design plans from Toyota. The car was dismantled in 1973 and Pops spent 3 years in a federal penitentiary. In 1978, two years after his release from prison, Pops died of complications related to obesity.

Tragically, Speed’s youngest brother Spridle, age 12, was killed in 1975 as he was riding in the trunk of a ’67 Ford Fairlane when the vehicle was rear ended by Speed’s brother Rex Racer who had recently come out of hiding and was trying to reestablish relations with his estranged family. Rex has since gone back into hiding.

Spridle’s pet chimpanzee Chim-Chim was put down in 1973 after attacking a woman and ripping her face off.

After Speed’s racing career ended he became addicted to heroin and spent several months in a rehab center. After emerging from rehab he became a belligerent drunk and was always trying to impress people with his past exploits of legally killing his competition in car races.

Racer leaves his mother, his ex-wife Trixie, a son named Carburetor (Carb), a daughter named Fender (Fenny), his brother Rex, his other brother insurance executive and former mechanic Sparky and several nieces and nephews. Funeral arrangements are incomplete.