Ralph Fiennes Admits Being Victim During In-Flight Sexual Encounter

British actor Ralph Feinnes has found himself at the center of a scandal after a Qantas stewardess admitted to having sexual relations with the film star during a flight from Darwin, Australia to Mumbai, India. A former fourteen year veteran of the New South Wales police force, stewardess Lisa Robertson said the encounter took place in a rest room during the January 24th flight.

The most disturbing aspect of the story is perhaps the fact that each of the participants are giving different reasons for the tryst. A spokesman for Mr. Fiennes has said that the actor, who was on his way to India to deliver a talk on AIDS, had unprotected sex with someone he’d never met on the plane as a way of understanding just exactly how someone might contract the disease, while Ms. Robertson had said she was concerned that the Constant Gardener star might suffer from an embolism during the long flight and was simply helping him get some much needed cardio.

Mr. Fiennes’ spokesperson has also claimed that Ms. Robertson was the “sexual aggressor” in the encounter, an allegation that has engendered a great deal of sympathy for him from various victim’s rights groups. Dick Hardly, president and founder of the international men’s group ‘Blame The Bitch’ said, ” After all, when a 5′ 6″ woman grabs a 5’11” man in excellent physical condition who outweighs her by a good fifty pounds on a crowded plane and drags him into a restroom for unsolicited sex, how could you blame the man? The fear he felt must have been intense. Poor Ralph, I’m not sure he’ll ever get over the trauma.”

Qantas has fired Ms. Robertson as a result of the encounter. A spokesman for the airline, speaking on the condition that he gets the erstwhile attendants phone number from her personal records said, “We just can’t have our stewardesses going round having a naughty with any old root rat who comes along and cracks a fat, spunk or no. So we gave her the flick.” As the assembled reporters tried to figure out what exactly all that meant, the spokesman continued, “I mean holy dooley, we were gob smacked to find out that one of our Sheila’s would even do a pommy bastard in the first place, they’re so sooky and all. But don’t worry about her, she’ll be apples.”