20 million unemployed Americans breathed a sign of relief as Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke announced today that the global recession has finally ended.
“The recession is over and everything’s going to be just fine”, a smiling Bernanke said from his 42nd floor office. “There is now plenty of money for everyone, plenty of jobs, housing prices are rising, retail prices are dropping and everyone feels great!”
Not everyone agreed with Bernanke’s assessment. Many retailers interviewed say the only reason prices have dropped is because people can’t afford and will no longer pay full price. Many unemployed workers claim they still can’t find jobs. Many former millionaires claim they are still broke. Car companies claim that since the “cash for clunkers” deal ended they can’t sell cars. Banks are still not drawing a profit and even though some housing prices have risen, there are few buyers. Oil and food prices continue to rise.
“If you eliminate the complainers things are getting better. And I know the auto industry is doing much better. I know a car salesman who sold a car just last week”, Bernanke stated as he held up a set of car keys.
Bernanke further explained that although oil and food prices have risen, things such as electric blenders, food processors and pencils have fallen. Banks will draw a profit as soon as they have more money. Government incentives will soon enable the upper middle class to purchase homes again. Additionally, former retired millionaires are going back to work. “If they were millionaires before they will be again!” Bernanke believes.
President Barack Obama praised the Federal Reserve study and congratulated all of his cabinet members on reversing Bush-era economic policies.
“Someday this will be a great nation!” the President stated to cheers from Congress.