"Rendition and Torture Began Under Clinton," says Bush

Washington, DC (APE) – President Bush today accused the Clinton administration of instituting not only the controversial CIA rendition program but questionable torture practices as well during his administration. Bush cited a former CIA veteran Michael Scheuer who was yesterday quoted in a German newsweekly Die Zeit as stating that the Clinton administration had begun the controversial rendition program in the mid-90s.

In spontaneous remarks to reporters prior to boarding Marine One on the first leg of yet another trip to Crawford Texas, Bush produced what he said was evidence that the controversial torture policies had begun under Clinton as well. Displaying a set of chrome plated handcuffs, Bush stated, “Lara and I first found these underneath the bed in our bedroom when we first moved in to the White House and didn’t really know what to make of them. You gotta ask yourself why would they be under that bed.”

Bush continued, “Now I will admit that prior to 9/11, we did find that this whole rendition idea was a good one… and… oh, I’m sorry. Did I say prior to 9/11? I meant after… anyhow, I think the record clearly shows that this administration got it right. If we had also had our aggressive wiretaps in place we might have come even closer to preventing 9/11 than we did. But that is no excuse for the torture that we may or may not be uncovering and appears to have begun under the previous administration.”

When asked by reporters why he had kept the handcuffs a secret for over five years Bush claimed that it was out of respect for the office. When asked why he was quoting a report from a German newspaper on a story not carried in any other American news outlets other than Fox News, Bush abruptly smile, waved, ended the press conference and boarded the helicopter.

Former President Clinton, reached for comment, labeled Bush’s remarks as the last desperate acts of a scoundrel. He stated, “Who are you going to believe… a man who tried to keep a consensual affair a secret, or a man who freely admitted to and endorsed branding fraternity pledges with a red-hot coat hanger?”