Election Day is tomorrow and voters across the United States are scrambling to finish their Recount Season shopping. Stores of all types are packed with consumers and shelves are emptying of everything from canned goods to rotting fruit to gas masks.
Recount Season, both a festive and angry occasion has become one of the best moneymakers for retailers in the country, generating some sixty billion dollars in sales and manufacturer’s and stores have begun to look forward to it as a huge economic shot in the arm.
Despite record high gasoline prices fuel stations across the country are reporting mile long lines and have begun a alternating system: Republicans on even days and Democrats on odd, while undecided voters are allowed to fill only half their tanks one any given day. WalMart reports sales of both party supplies and guns are doing equally well; however, they are demanding to see gun buyers voter registration cards as only Republicans will be allowed to purchase semi-automatic weapons. A WalMart spokesman, citing the millions in campaign contributions that the company has given the George Bush and the GOP over the last four years said, “Normally we’re all about making money and money is our primary driving force in everything we do from breaking Unions to buying slave manufactured goods from the Far East, but even we have a strong moral core when it comes to ramming our chosen candidate down the throats of Americans.”
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “We’ve been sending automatic email updates to the Party faithful explaining how to build barricades, turn bleach and iodine into makeshift plastic explosives and generally wreck havoc in the Democrat strongholds. Of course, we don’t encourage violence of any kind, but if we can…convince Democrats that it’s in their best interest to switch parties, then that’s just solid politics.”
On the Democratic side preparations are a bit more defensive with Kerry supporters cleaning store shelves of canned goods, bottled water and gas masks in anticipation of the Republican assault. However, Democratic Vietnam and Desert Storm veterans, anxious to pay somebody back for what they went through are forming flying squads to assist in defensive operations. Universities and Starbucks Coffee Shops seem to be the preferred defensive positions. Undecided voters and Nader supporters are packing up and heading for Canada figuring that whoever wins, someone is bound to come and beat the crap out of them for screwing things up.