WASHINGTON — Inspired by the recent press conferences of Senator John Ensign and Governor Mark Sanford, other Republicans have now came forward to air their own dirty laundry before Democrats can.
Today, several top Republicans in the U.S. Senate held a joint press conference, where each Senator made an apology for various sexual indiscretions ranging from public masturbation, to sexual relations with mothers of their friends.
“I just wanted to say how sorry I am. Ever since I was in my teens I have been unable to control my sexual urges. When I was a teenager, I banged my best friend’s mom. When I was in high school, I banged several of my teachers. Since then, I have had sex with numerous women..and men,” said a tearful Senator Lamar Alexander. “I am just a very horny guy.”
“For me, it started when I felt excitement, an adrenaline rush, from masturbating in hotel lobbies. Then it shifted to public restrooms, and then here on Capitol Hill. I have been choking the chicken in public for several years now. I especially enjoy masturbating to the sight of my office aides,” said Senator Lindsey Graham.
“Most politicians here in D.C. have this fantasy of banging somebody on the steps of Capitol Hill. Many of them have already fulfilled this fantasy,” said one sexual partner of a prominent U.S. Senator, speaking on condition of anonymity.
Senators John Ensign and Jeff Sessions were also present and both admitted to having numerous adulterous affairs, but declined further comment for the sake of the privacy of their underage male page companions. Senator John Ensign apologized for carrying on sexual relations with a plurality of different people while also having the STD gonorrhea.
Since so many politicians are so sexually promiscuous, there has been concern expressed by some medical professionals that there could be a gonorrhea pandemic throughout the entire government.
“It is imperative that we quarantine these politicians, so they can’t keep spreading their STDs around,” said Johns Hopkins University epidemiologist Dr. Faye Kerr.
“Not a single senior government employee or member of Congress is monogamous,” according to the Centers for Disease Control’s report: Trends in Sexual Risk Behaviors Among Members of Congress and Government Officials.