Republicans Sweep to Victory : Diebold Announces Midterm Election Results Early

The voting machine giant Diebold has announced the winners of next month’s midterm elections. The Republican party has scored a major victory and has actually increased its majorities in both the House and Senate. Poll results are still being examined but preliminary tallies also show the President has won an unprecedented third four year term.

“Diebold prides itself on giving quick and accurate election results.” Says President Thomas W. Swidarski. “This year we have done even better by delivering the results ahead of schedule and under budget. This is a very impressive achievement and I would like to thank everybody at Diebold and the Republican National Committee who made this possible. This is truly a great day for Diebold and America.”

Diebold announced the tallies this morning igniting a firestorm of self doubt and criticism inside the Democratic party. The results have taken the Democrats completely by surprise and a leadership shake up seems inevitable as party rank and file wonder what went wrong.

“We have a lot of hard thinking to do” says party leader Howard Dean. “Our fifty state strategy had been formulated around an election date of November 7th so I have to admit we were caught flat footed on this one. We are going to look into our internal systems and see how this could have happened.”

At the White House Tony Snow spoke to the media about the victory.

“America has spoken. America has chosen the Republican party and the President to lead us out this terrible mess we find ourselves in. The President is overjoyed that his party has maintained control of the Congress and he is eager to spend his political capitol to further his polices during his third term.”