Rescuing The Economic Bus

Okay…why is it so critical for Congress to pass a Financial/Mortgage/Wall Street markets Rescue Package? You’ll notice I didn’t use the world Bailout. There’s a good reason for that, even if it’s only semantically speaking. Our duly elected Congressional dopes on both sides of the aisle, the 225 or 6 that voted against this thing have to stop looking at it as if they’re voting to give big Wall Street CEO’s seven hundred billion dollars because they screwed up. We have to stop looking at it that way too. They way we have to look at this is from the point of view that cops or EMT’s have when they find a car full of drunks who just had a head-on collision with a bus full of old people on the highway as they headed to a casino- even though you know who’s to blame, you don’t pay attention to that. You just do the triage, get em all to the hospital and hope that later on someone’s gonna go to jail for it.

In this case (shudder) Congress are the emergency technicians and police who’re directing traffic. The CEO’s are the drunk drivers and we’re in the fucking bus. The financial highway’s blocked and nothing’s moving… traffic’s backing up and the ambulances are having a hard time getting through (jeez, I wonder just how far I can take this idiotic analogy). The people on the bus are those who are retiring today who’s life savings in the form of 401K’s and investments are wiped out and the young family’s who innocently believed what they were told a bought a house that they couldn’t afford and are now losing it. Of course, those of us who were lucky enough to not actually be on the bus are still caught in the traffic jam behind this wreck. If we don’t get out of it soon, we’re gonna start to run outta gas, get hungry, lose our jobs when our company’s get closed because are bosses are just as stuck as we are. In short, right now what we have to do is clear this wreck and get this freaking highway moving again.

We’re at the point where Congress, our EMT’s and cops, are looking around and saying, “Hmmm. Do we really need two dozen fire trucks, fifteen tow trucks and twenty seven police cars here?” People on the bus are bleeding to death while they argue over whether or not there’s enough money to pay for all this rescue equipment. Well, guys, the truth is, you probably really don’t need all this stuff, seven hundred billion dollars worth of it, on the scene, half of it may go back to the station unused. But it’s sure nice to know it’s there, isn’t it?

Now, to really beat this accident thing to death, in fact, a lot of those people stuck in traffic behind you are probably still going to be forced to abandon their cars and walk away. You’ll be able to just tow them to the auction lot and sell em later and actually pay for a lot of the upfront rescue costs. At worst, you’ll be able to negotiate with them to sell them a little gasoline to keep em in their cars rolling along the financial highway.

That’s it- I can’t take it anymore. In plain English: Congress- You probably won’t need anywhere near seven hundred billion dollars, you’re gonna get a ton of already foreclosed houses dirt cheap that you can sell later at a profit, you’ll get interest income from the ones that still have people in them and in two or three years, you might actually see a big profit from the whole thing. You’re not bailing out a couple of rich CEO’s…you’re rescuing an entire nation. Get off your asses and start bandaging people.