Responding To General Peter Pace's Comments, George W. Bush Openly Endorses Gays In The Military

United States President George W. Bush, in a move that initially seemed guaranteed to rile the Evangelical Christian base, has publicly repudiated Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Peter Pace’s comments that homosexuality is “immoral” and has actually called for a major recruitment drive to entice more Gay’s to enlist in America’s armed forces. But far from being outraged, the Christian Right has endorsed the President’s remarks.

Earlier this week, General Pace told The Chicago Tribune that he personally felt homosexuality was “immoral”, a statement that undermined the military’s ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy which has been in place since early in the Clinton Administration. The comments caused an uproar on both sides of the aisle in Congress and resulted in denunciations by civil rights groups. Still, Washington insiders were surprised by the extent of President Bush’s reaction; they had expected Mr. Bush to disavow the his top General’s opinion, but no one thought that the Commander in Chief would actually go so far as to call for increased recruitment of homosexuals.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “At first he (Bush) was pissed off; I mean with everything else that’s going on…Libby, Gonzales, Iran…you name it, it’s all screwed up, this was the last thing we needed. But then we realized that we finally had a winner in our hands. Think about it, we’re facing a recruitment shortfall with families of service members openly complaining that their husbands and wives keep getting extended. While we hate the abomination of homosexuality, we also need to seriously increase troop strength for the Iran invasion. So, if we can get all these boy boffers to enlist, we kill like, five birds with one policy…we get the Gays out of the United States, we get points with Democrats that we can use later, we can call our straight men back home, we have troops to send into Iran and best of all, no one but some Liberal scum will care when they get slaughtered. It’s perfect.”

Pentagon officials have already begun to make accommodations for the new ‘Daisy Divisions’, calling on popular television personalities the Fab Five from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy to design new uniforms and barracks space; after all, desert camo is so Gulf War I.