Auburn Hills, MI (Rotters) – In a controversial move this morning, DaimlerChrysler chairman Dieter Zetsche announced that Al Qaeda had emerged as the most attractive bidder from a pack of interested buyers that had secretly announced due diligence in regards to purchasing the American icon automobile manufacturer Chrysler. Al Qaeda head Osama bin Laden met with Zetsche and the board of directors late yesterday and is said to be offering $15 billion for Chrysler’s physical plants and assets with negotiations underway in which parent corporation Daimler would continue to fund pension liabilities and health-care obligations for its workers. Bin Laden stated that Daimler’s continued coverage of its employees was key to the deal as it represented a huge conflict of interest for Al Qaeda.
An Al-Qaeda spokesperson confirmed that the terrorist organization had indeed been blessed with a banner year, confirming an earlier White House claim of resurgence. Citing a continuing flood of potential recruits secondary to America’s involvement in Iraq as well as favorable weather and growing conditions in the poppy fields of Afghanistan over the past year, the spokesperson stated that Al Qaeda was indeed very cash heavy and considering many alternatives for growth and expansion globally.
“We are excited over the prospects of branching out into manufacturing,” stated Al Qaeda second-in-command Ayman al-Zawahiri. “Sources for new car bombs have been steadily deteriorating throughout the Middle East in the ongoing jihad with the American Crusaders. The Chrysler Ram series of frames and body styles are indeed well-built and suitable to the rigors of combat and support throughout our theaters. Our technicians and developers have achieved great success with rewiring and retooling existing collision systems for use as detonators. With the ability to substitute explosive charges for airbags on a massive scale, we should finally be able to fulfill the Bush administration’s request to “bring the war on terror home to the American people”, Allah be praised. The need for suicide bombers will be rendered obsolete.”
Zetsche confirmed that Al Qaeda’s offer had beaten proposals from Renault, Hundai, and General Motors. “It is a shame that this fine automobile arrives at this outcome,” stated Zetsche. “We have invited counterproposals from the US government in all fairness, but we have yet to hear from them.”
The White House refused comment on the buyout offer, but stated that the president was working closely with the Republican minorities in the Senate and House to offer a joint nonbinding resolution against the Al Qaeda acquisition.