Revealing Himself To Be A Closet Democrat, Jack Abramoff Pleads Guilty.

Wednesday, January 4, 2006

Republican lawmakers were shocked and dismayed yesterday at the news that Republican lobbyist and friend to Indian tribes everywhere, Jack Abramoff, had decided to plead guilty to 3 federal charges. The crimes that Mr. Abramoff has admitted to…one count each of conspiracy, mail fraud and tax evasion…in addition to guilty pleas entered in a so far separate case in Florida could net him at least ten years in Federal prison. But it’s not the idea that their old buddy Mr. Abramoff will spend the next decade or so honing his tennis skills in a Federal pen that has Republican legislators so worried; it’s that Abramoff seems to want company while he does is what has Washington up in arms.

Ohio Republican Bob Ney is so far the only member of Congress to be named in the indictment, but it is well known that Texas Republican Congressman Tom Delay has long been another benefactor of Mr. Abramoff’s largesse as well as a least a half dozen other members of the Senate and Congress. The main problem among Republicans seems to be that they had no idea that their dealings with Mr. Abramoff were illegal.

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “You gotta feel sorry for all those poor little innocent members of Congress and the Senate. After all, what do expect those guys to know about the law? To them, Jack was just a friendly guy always ready to feed a hungry member of Congress with a three hundred dollar meal and a five hundred dollar bottle of wine, the kind of Good Samaritan who’d send an overworked Senator, exhausted by their blind support of President Bush’s policies for a little well earned R&R to say, a Scottish golf course or an Aruban beach. Where’s the harm in that? Can’t anybody be just plain nice anymore?”

Continuing to speak on the condition that Abramoff not mention the fifty seven trips to Indian casinos that Mr. Abramoff sent him on, or the 23 year old therapeutic massage therapist named Inga that Abramoff had spend several weekends with him, Waterhouse continued, “Even the very charges against Jackie seem to prove to me that all the members of Congress that were involved in bribe taking, money laundering, illegal junkets, etc., etc. were innocent of any wrongdoing. Think about it