Rice to Resist Arabs on Isolating Hamas

Washington, DC (UPSI) – Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice appeared for the press today just before departing for the Middle East with planned stops in Saudi Arabia and Egypt. Her goal will be to beat down anticipated resistance to the US government’s plans to isolate both Hamas and Iran. At the press conference, Rice displayed for reporters some of the equipment that American taxpayers 75 billion-dollar investment for democracy in the middle east would be buying.

At the heart of Rice’s proposal was a trimmed down and newly outfitted diplomatic corps that would be ready to rapidly respond in multiple situations at a moments notice. Interagency discipline would be restored with a durable new uniform designed for both action, freedom of movenent, and comfort.

“Our actions may lead to conflict in Palestine, Syria, Lebanon and Iran, and we’ve got to be ready,” stated Ms. Rice. “If the opportunity to expose real evidence of Iran’s nuclear ambitions, and Hamas’ plans for the total destruction of Israel presents itself, we have got to be trained to react quickly, without thinking or hesitation.”

Notably, Ms. Rice’s statements are at odds with public comments from former President Jimmy Carter. Carter, this week, cautioned the US against strategies to financially starve off a duly, democratically elected fledgling Hamas government in Palestine.

“Sadly, former President Carter makes the point for us,” said Ms. Rice. “This is further evidence of this cancerous, pre-9/11 mentality which is destroying America. We are in the midst of a new type of war, which I am proud to say that this administration is winning. American citizens will just have to trust us with the facts that have to remain classified. We are entering the final stages of the conflict. We first took the war home to the enemy in Iraq, and now in the final phase, with the sale of strategic American ports to Saudi interests we will bring the war home. In this final round, we will be able to fight much more cheaply, and at the same time put much more of a strain on the enemy’s resources.”

Rice will be gone for the majority of this week, and is expected to undergo a rigorous exercise and training program to test the limits of her newly acquired diplomatic equipment.