Rice Welcomed Home by Protesters Angered by Outsourcing of Torture Jobs

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was welcomed home today by a group of labor activists angered by the administration’s policy of the outsourcing torture to lower wage countries. The protesters demanded that high paying torturer jobs be brought back to America and that all future torture be preformed by American citizens on American soil.

“The outsourcing of American torture to lower wage countries in Eastern Europe and the Middle East is a slap in the face to the American worker.” Says labor activist Bret Hodgekins. “Torturing is a highly skilled profession that commands high wages, the Bush administrations policy of outsourcing that work is damaging our economy and hurting our stature abroad. Do you want the world thinking that we don’t know how to torture? That we can’t do it, so we have to ship that work overseas? Not me. I’m proud of American tortures and I wish the President was too.”

Labor leaders have been critical of the outsourcing of torture for some time but have been incited by Secretary Rice’s comments about torture during her recent trip to Europe.

During a press conference she said that as a matter of U.S. policy, the United Nations Convention Against Torture “extends to U.S. personnel wherever they are, whether they are in the U.S. or outside the U.S.” This statement of “policy” that bans Americans from holding high paying torturer jobs was the last straw for American labor leaders, they felt they just has to speak out.

The protest was well attended and representatives from several municipalities came to lobby for the placement of torture facilities in their cities. Mayor Wendell Wheeler of Chillicothe Ohio hoped to speak with Secretary Rice about building a torture camp in his town to help the economy.

“The truth is, as vibrant as Chillicothe Ohio is, we could use a few more jobs.” Said mayor Wheeler. “Building a secret CIA torture facility in our town would be a real win win for the government and the proud residents of Chillicothe. We want to do our part in the war on terror and we have a highly educated and motivated work force that can make a difference. We need those good job here in American, and not in some backward Eastern European country.”

“We need to reverse these policies of outsourcing torture.” thundered Hodgekins. “Americans are the best torturers in the world! And we need a President who is proud enough to admit it!”