Rice Wins European Reprieve over Secret CIA Prisons

Brussels, Belgium (Rotters) – European nations seem to have backed off heated criticism of the United States over charges of detainee abuse and secret CIA jails. The White House is set to welcome the victorious, secretive Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice after her five day multinational tour. Critics were amazed as, through Ms. Rice, the Bush administration seemed to smooth over previous difficulties and convince others of sincere US policy changes in regards to torture.

“Rice and her counterparts were successful at creating an image of perceived complicity,” said Charles Upchuck of the Washington-based think tank the Council on Foreign Relations. “By the Bush administration exposing themselves, European governments had to back away from inciting further public pressure.”

With the issue seemingly put to rest, Washington Post sources today further noted a dramatic increase in flights of the CIA planes which they had been tracking, moving from North Africa back into eastern Europe.

US officials said that Rice made some headway in water boarding the debate in Europe after weeks of media challenges to the administration on abuse and torture. “It is a debate that we will continue to stifle, but at least we have ended the news cycle with no more immaculately referenced investigations,” said a senior State Department official who asked to remain anonymous.

In apparently unrelated news Austrian Chancellor Wolfgang Schusssel, on a visit to Washington, took some heat over breaking claims in the European press that he had fathered a love child with an illegal immigrant Muslim housekeeper. NATO Secretary General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer also attempted to “clear the air” over new charges that he was the mastermind behind an illegal Swedish pornography ring. New German Prime Minister Andrea Merkle struggled for the second day in Berlin to refute claims made in the popular press that she is bisexual.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan delightfully pointed out that the president’s poll numbers appear to be rebounding over news of the economy and the results of Ms. Rice’s trip. “The president is also happy to have Karl Rove back in the saddle and by his side,” stated McClellan. “Much of the credit for Ms. Rice’s successful diplomatic trip should go to him.”