Rod Stewart's Horoscope Nixed Marriage to Condoleezza Rice

HOLLYWOOD – While horoscope after horoscope from lesser astrologers confidently predicted that Rod Stewart would propose to Condoleezza Rice last weekend, Dim Son, Unconfirmed Sources astrologer to the stars, correctly foretold the former rock singer’s proposal to his longtime nurse-girlfriend Penny Lancaster atop the Eiffel Tower.

“I’ve never been more in love with anyone nearly half my age than I am today,” said Stewart, 60, after proposing to Lancaster, 33. “I’d get married in a minute if I weren’t still married to somebody else.”

Stewart, a Capricorn with hair follicles rising, told reporters his decision was inspired in no small part by the following advice from Dim Son: “Only a fool permits the letter of the law to override the spirit in the heart. Do not let a piece of paper stand in the way of true love and headlines.”

In addition to the on-the-money prediction concerning Stewart’s third marriage, Dim Son hit nothing but net in horoscopes for Julia Roberts, Bill Clinton, Michael Jackson, Dan Rather, and this week’s celebrity has-been, Don Johnson.

Libra (Julia Roberts): Sadly you learn that feeding twin babies is far less enjoyable than feeding one’s ego. Desperate for rest, you turn to meditation in an effort to relax, but all you can think about is yourself.

Leo (Bill Clinton): You will enjoy several near-life experiences after fate reunites you with a favorite caretaker this week. Follow your heart, and don’t be self-conscious because the back of your dressing gown is open.

Virgo (Michael Jackson): Although no man is a hero to his valet, there’s no excuse for retaining a valet who lays out pajama bottoms and a black blazer for an important public appearance. Next time don’t ask a man to do a boy’s job.

Scorpio (Dan Rather): Some people applaud our departures because they did not discover our true worth until we were leaving. In your case people will applaud because they are happy to see you go.

Sagittarius (Don Johnson): When you ache in places where most people play—and no one takes you seriously as a singer—the only thing left is to play a burned out lawyer on a television series. Be thankful for the paycheck, and don’t spend it all on Botox.

Dim Son scorecard for the week: Winners