WASHINGTON, D.C. — Unconfirmed Sources has learned that Presidential candidate Congressman Ron Paul was detained by Homeland Security officials early this morning. All of the money raised by his campaign was confiscated by Federal Election Commission officials.
Congressman Ron Paul was detained for being critical of President Bush’s policies, which is tantamount to treason and being a terrorist. The Bush administration is considering a plan to deport Congressman Ron Paul to Burkina Faso, forcing the Congressman to run his campaign entirely from overseas.
“Ron Paul’s voting record in the Congress is really terroristic. He voted against the USA PATRIOT Act, which makes him a terrorist,” said one Bush administration official, speaking on condition of anonymity.
Because of the predicament Ron Paul has found himself in, his campaign has launched a new phase of Q4 fundraising. The campaign has sent out the following letter in its direct mail campaign:
URGENT: FOR YOUR IMMEDIATE ATTENTION! WE SWEAR THIS IS REAL! THIS IS NOT A SCAM!
After consulting with the law firm of Ike N. Steele and Emma Faye Kerr, I have been advised that I must take an immediate course of action for the sake of me and my family.
In case you are unaware, the United States has slipped into a hellish police state. Due to an out-of-control federal government, the USA PATRIOT Act, and a vindictive Bush administration, I have been informed that, unless I leave the country within 24 hours, I will be imprisoned because of my voting record in the Congress.
The President of my country – George W. Bush – has already signed the vesting order, calling for the seizure of all of the campaign’s assets and bank account. Fortunately, most of the campaign’s money is stashed away in safe, off-shore accounts. The sum total of the off-shore accounts is in excess of $10,000,000.
In order for me to access these funds, I first need to flee the country. Before I can do that, I have been instructed that I must first raise $100,000 to bribe the Commissioners of the FEC.
If you can be of assistance by donating $100,000 to my agent, Mr. Ngobe Ngayaka in Nigeria, then please forward all of your personal and financial information in an email, addressed to BankWireTransfertoBribeFECOfficials@BankWireTransferforNgobe Ngayaka.com. If you can be of assistance you will be rewarded with 50% of the total value of my off-shore accounts.*
*This is NOT real. This is satire. However, do feel free to donate to the real campaign of Ron Paul at www.RonPaul2008.com