Bel-Air, CA (Rotters) – Ronald Wilson Reagan, the 40th president of the United States today announced from his home mausoleum in Bel-Air California that he would be forming an exploratory committee to investigate the possibility of his late entry into the 2008 Republican presidential race. The committee will be headed up by right-wing pundits Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter and is widely viewed as a rebellion from the extremist conservative wing of the party over their dissatisfaction of current front runner Arizona Senator John McCain.
“My Alzheimer’s is all okay now,” Reagan stated to reporters in attendance, “and the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I’m from beyond the grave, and I’m here to help… and I say to America don’t walk towards the thousand points of light.”
Constitutional scholars were thrown into a tizzy over right-wing claims that an officially declared death negated the law limiting a president to two terms. The newly formed committee scrambled to discover what would be involved in getting the former president on the ballot in the remaining primaries and if it would be mathematically feasible to win enough delegates to carry the nomination.
“I respect what “Nancy pants” and my family have been trying to accomplish in my name,” stated Reagan, “but I’m all better now and I have to say that I have a lot of trouble with this whole stem cell thing. You have to ask yourself, “What would Jesus do?” Answer: he wouldn’t. I asked him yesterday.”
Simultaneous protests arose from the Romney and McCain camps as each scrambled to disavow their own conservatism comparison claims. “This is just a cheap political stunt dug up by some malcontents within our own party,” stated an anonymous McCain campaign aide.
Campaign aides for Senator Mike Huckabee stated that he was touched by what he felt was a witnessed miracle, and this was confirmed by conservative religious leader James Dobson. Huckabee has offered to withdraw his name from the race and have it placed in consideration on the future ticket as the vice presidential candidate and running mate to former President Reagan.
A spokesperson for the White House stated that neither Vice President Cheney nor President Bush would offer a comment on the matter and refuse to either confirm or deny rumors that the two had gone into hiding.
The Clinton and Obama Democratic Campaigns both seemed to welcome an opportunity to go head to head with “The Great Communicator”.
“I think everybody already knows Senator Obama’s opinions about Mr. Reagan,” stated an Obama staffer, “but frankly, I think the Gipper and all of his policies are smelling more like “Kipper”. “
“We look forward to driving a stake through the heart of “composted conservatism”,” stated a Clinton spokesperson.