Ronald Reagan At One Hundred…Crowds Gather To Witness The (Second) Coming

In cities all around the world masses of Conservative faithful have been gathering in anticipation of the “Sunday Miracle”, the fulfillment of the prophecy made by Nancy Reagan’s astrologer on the day of his death, that former United States President Ronald Reagan will rise from his grave to once again lead the Republican Party to the White House in 2012. The prophecy, which conveniently coincides with the Doomsday predictions listing that year as the end of the world as we know it, has filled the Base GOP…uh, the GOP Base…with hope, the Democrat controlled Senate with fear and the basements of Mormons throughout Utah with enough canned goods, bottled water and Angel Moroni wall calendars and garments to last for two years.

And while large crowds have gathered at The Mall in Washington, DC, in front of Reagan’s Iran-Contra planner Oliver North’s home in Bluemont, Virginia, as well as in front of Supreme Court Justices Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas’s offices, by far the largest gathering is in Simi Valley, California, at the Ronald Reagan Library where the nation’s 40th President lies interned and possibly still festering (ugh.) in a hilltop crypt.

Thousands of the Party Faithful have been camping outside the grave for days now, waiting for February 6th, 2011, the one hundredth birthday of the dead guy and the date that was foretold by Nancy’s astrologer as his Christ-like resurrection. Holding signs saying, “There He Goes Again”, and carrying rifles and handguns, along with the occasional RPG, believers have been holding prayer vigils, shooting competitions and an ad-hoc gun show for the last week, waiting for the second coming.

Two of the celebrants, Festus P. Hyman of Billings, Montana and his wife Edna, interviewed while sitting in lawn chairs atop their 35 foot long 1999 Winnebago Chieftain RV parked just outside the library grounds, said, “Ever since that Bama guy got his ass elected, the country’s been going to hell in a hand basket, with him always screaming that people should have healthcare and good food and an education and all. And now it’s ‘clean air’ and ‘drinkable water’ and ‘electric cars’. I mean, It’s just crazy! I mean, what’s happened to America? We’re the country that gave the world the Chrysler 440, 4 barrel hemi engine, for Chrissakes! How the hell is some electric engine gonna push my RV? I got a V-10 Triton in this baby and I’ll roll right over some little Jap electric car. That’s why we need Ronnie back!”

While Mr. Hyman became distracted by blotting up the foam from the can of Bud he’d just opened that had spilled on his new NRA tee shirt, his wife Edna continued, ” And marriage too, Hyman…don’t forget the skanktitty of marriage. When Ronnie crawls back outta the tomb, he’s gonna put the smite on all them Liberals who don’t believe that marriage should be between one man and one woman…or in Ronnie’s case, one man and a couple of different women, anyway.” Ronald Reagan had been married first to Hollywood actress Jane Wyman, who divorced him back in 1948.

When queried about the about the banner that festooned the side of the motor home reading, “Waiting For Reagan’s / erection”, Mr. Hyman, who was by now quite blotted, said, “Uh, yeah, well, ’bout that. You see, me and my friend Wally made that one night a few weeks ago after we’d had a few. Neither of us was quite sure how ‘resurrection’ was spelled either, so we went with Wally’s way, ‘Reserection’. When we was done, we realized that the damn thing was too long to fit on the RV, so we just kinda cut out the middle and taped it back together, so the ‘Res’ part was gone. Wasn’t until I hung it up today that some preacher came by and pointed it out. Fuck em, people know what I mean.”

Next to the Hyman double slide RV and holding a sign that said, perhaps a little weirdly, but, given the Hyman ‘erection’ banner, altogether fittingly as well,

“Ronnie, Come On!
The Tea Party”

was Unnamed Tea Party Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, who, speaking as usual on the condition of anonymity said, “I know, I know, if Reagan were to enter onto the political scene today, the Tea Party would regard him as a Liberal Democrat. But Ronnie is the heart and soul of the Tea Party, not it’s brain. What his brain believed isn’t the point to the Tea Party…in that respect we’re pointless, or brainless, or…oh, you know what I mean; Jesus, I always hate talking to you. You always make everything I say make me sound stupid.”