Washington, DC (Rotters) – In a joint announcement this morning FBI Director Robert Mueller and special presidential assistant Karl Rove confirmed that over 140,000 of Rove’s personal e-mails had been maliciously deleted from Republican National Committee servers by botnet programs apparently uploaded by spammers. Mueller stated that he had contacted Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and was working closely with the Justice Department in investigating the possibility of charging a group of arrested spammers with violations of the presidential records act, a 30-year-old law which mandates the archiving of all presidential correspondence.
“This is a tragedy of epic proportions,” stated Mueller, “to have the history of the Bush Administration squandered and deleted over promises of cheap Viagra and Oxycontin is almost unimaginable.”
Mueller stated that the RNC, much like millions of other individuals whose computers have been hijacked by bot programs and “botherders”, was totally unaware of its hardware’s compromise. He admitted that the RNC’s pirated servers might have largely gone unnoticed had it not been for congressman Henry Waxman’s investigation into the White House’s unauthorized use of RNC email accounts for official business. Mueller vowed that the FBI would continue the daunting task of personally contacting all those infected.
“This has been a real lesson for me,” stated Special Presidential Assistant Karl Rove. “This whole thing started as I was trying to get a few tunes for the President’s iPod. I couldn’t access Limewire through official White House servers, and the RNC accounts were perfect. It’s also affected me personally, as I lost everything I had saved on my Zwinky account.”
Rove and Mueller both agreed that this development would likely bring to an unfortunate end Democrats attempts to investigate possible Administration political malfeasance on a number of fronts.
“It’s time for folks to move on,” insisted Rove, “there was never any there, there in the first place. This is not a case of “the dog ate my emails”… if we had the information to turn over, we would.”
Mueller concluded that this incident served to highlight the dangers to the average user on the internet, and cautioned that the FBI had evidence of a series of scams set to emerge as a result of this exposure.
“They always promise unrealistic things and ask for money… that should be your first clue,” concluded Mueller. “If you get any email claiming to be from a Democratic candidate, or indeed the Democratic party itself, I would urge you to delete it without opening it… shut down your machine immediately and notify the FBI.”