Rove Resigns!

Washington, DC (UCS NEWS) by Dood Abides – White House political consultant Karl Rove announced to the press today that he will be resigning his position at the White House effective August 31. Mr. Rove granted an exclusive interview to UCS NEWS own Dood Abides over the weekend during which he outlined a number of the reasons for his departure and his overall plans for his future as well as the Bush administration. Rove thanked UCS for what he described as “remaining consistent with its own brand of the truth” and its “admirable abilities in presenting the totally ridiculous as gospel”.

As to President Bush and his diminishing poll numbers, Rove insisted that a bounce was already underway, and expected numbers to return to well over 60% approval as the White House information system geared up to relay a deluge of good news from the surge in Iraq prior to September. “If you check your polls today,” corrected Rove, “I think you’ll find the president up at least eight points by the end of the day on news of my resignation alone. Misguided and pathetic as that is, we will take what we can get.”

Rove also insisted that he would not be completely departed from the White House but serve in a consultative role, thus maintaining executive privilege status. “Contrary to what many pundits would have you believe, the president is finally able to use a Blackberry, and I will be able to provide up-to-the-minute contact and advice as events unfold. A whole new system of totally secure RNC servers and networking equipment is in place for just this purpose, and it is now perfectly legal thanks to a clause inserted in the recent FISA overall by Congress.” Rove stated.

Rove went on to outline the family concerns that figured into his decision to step down: “If I may be frank, I have a son who is headed off to college. While this might be a time for more professional freedom for the average parent, we have become a little concerned over his political leanings, and he may require a little more supervision. That being said, I am totally supportive of his decision to join the Young Democrats in Austin, and excited over the prospect of his support for Hillary Clinton.”

As to Republican party’s chances for the coming presidential election year, Rove had this to say: “It’s looking really good right now, believe it or not. Our candidate is way ahead in the polls. We may not need to even touch the race card this year, and running a campaign against a cuckolded wife should be a breeze. I think we have a real shot at retaining the White House and taking back both houses of Congress as the insurgency in Iraq is squelched through the president’s strong leadership.”

As to Mr. Rove’s future professional plans, he had this to say: “I’m probably going to be even busier in resignation than when I was in the West Wing. As I said, I’ll be supervising very closely my son’s college career. In addition I’ll be maintaining contact daily via Blackberry with the president. I will also likely leave the country briefly over the next six months in order to do some preliminary work for the establishment of the South American White House in Paraguay prior to Mr. Bush’s arrival presumably sometime around the first of the year in 2009. Look for Alberto Gonzales to accompany me later as we attempt to iron out some of the sticking points between the two governments legal systems in regards to extradition.”

When asked if this meant that he would be leaving politics, Mr. Rove concluded: “I think it was a Republican Senator, Newt Gingrich, that once said, “It’s all politics.”I have been approached by a couple of the Republican presidential contenders campaigns, and I do love a challenge. While it may be the right thing to do, I think this whole 9/11 thing is something of a dead horse at this point, and it might be a tough sell for a candidate attempting to present himself as a hero, but it’s salvageable. I think the new theme for the race will be simply “Law and Order” and anyone able to wrap themselves up in that will be in like Flint.”