Unconfirmed Sources has received a secret memo written by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld for The President. The memo, titled “Failure is an Option- But don’t worry it’s not your fault.” outlines several possible plans for the Administration to bail out of Iraq while claiming victory. The White House has denied the existence of the memo and vowed to track down the person who leaked it.
The memo describes three possible marketing plans the President might use to extricate himself from the Iraq quagmire without admitting defeat. The memo included possible scripts to be used by White House officials, Congressional Republicans and paid media sell-outs like George Will and Bob Novak.
The first option is the “It’s their own fault” plan. The story goes like this: “Hey man, what are we supposed to do? We came in, liberated them, handed them democracy on a plate and what did they do? They throw it back in our face. We are in this thing to help those who help themselves; these guys just don’t seem to care. We did our part, now if they don’t do their part it ain’t our problem. We came, we saw, we threw an election, now its up to them.” Under this scenario American troops will pull out the day after the election and the President will give another “Mission Accomplished” speech.
The second option is the “It’s Iran, Syria, Turkey, and Saudi Arabia’s fault” plan: “Hey man, we had the whole thing all fixed up and then Iraq’s meddling neighbors came in and messed it up. After liberation the situation was calm and things were getting better until the damn Iranian spies showed up and turned the Iraqis against us. And don’t get me started about the Saudis. What a bunch of ingrates! We keep them safe last time around and look what it has got us? Saudi terrorists coming out the woodwork, some ally they are. The Turks? Pussies. What more do I need to say? If they had any balls they would have wiped out those troublesome Kurds a long time ago. And Syria? We are pulling out of Iraq so we can go and beat the hell out the Syrians. That’s where the WMD went don’t you know.”
The third option “It’s Rumsfeld’s fault” plan: “I (Donald Rumsfeld) will resign or better yet you can fire me and then you can blame me. You Mr. President could say: “That damn Donald Rumsfeld, I trusted him to get it right in Iraq and he screwed me. He told we were wining over there. I trusted him to tell me what was happening; you know I don’t read the newspapers. Up till yesterday I though things were going great. Now that I know what’s really going on over there I think we should leave. It’s obvious that they don’t want us there and that we are in the wrong so that’s why we are pulling out. That damn Rumsfeld, he lied to me!” Then you can give me the Presidential Medal of Freedom.”
White House spokesmen Ben Lion denied the existence of the memo and said that the FBI was already investigating to find the leaker. Stay tuned for Bush administration shenanigans selling failure is a sticky job, but if anybody can get lipstick on this pig its George and his henchmen.