Rumsfeld, Jaafari Refuse to Step Down, Bush Brokers Trade

Washington, DC (APE) – In the first, of what President Bush has promised as significant shake-ups within his administration, he today announced that a trade with Iraq had been brokered in which embattled Prime Minister Ibrahim Al-Jaafari will be switching positions with equally embattled Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. The deal was concluded after a long series of secret negotiations.

“Folks tend to forget that I used to be in charge of the Rangers,” said Mr. Bush, referring to his shaky tenure as CEO of the major League baseball team. “I’m an old hand at these kinds of negotiations. We’ve had some unhappy fans on both sides, and now I think we’ve got a win-win situation.”

The White House was close-lipped about the details surrounding the trade, but it was rumored that a number of concessions had to be offered to both Rumsfeld and Jaafari. A snagging point for Rumsfeld was reported to have been his insistence upon a fleet of state of the art up-armored stretch Humvees that would be at his disposal in Iraq. Rumsfeld was also rumored to have demanded the first 100,000 first round draft picks for the new Iraqi Army. Insistence upon top secret clearance was reportedly an issue for Jaafari, but the President himself reportedly signed off on it. An oilfield north of Basra was rumored to have been negotiated away by Iraq, but this could not be independently confirmed.

The White House is reportedly excited about the trade and looking forward to the infusion of new blood in the administration. Some Iraqi officials were notably upset over the deal and accused the administration of breathing new life into the insurgency with the move. The word on the streets of Baghdad was that Sunni and Shiite extremists had somewhat united and a collegial pool had developed over which would be able to knock off the former secretary of defense first. Al-Qaeda was reportedly scrambling to come up with an anonymously delivered videotape at press time.