Rumsfeld Makes It Clear It's Confusing

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, in an apparent effort to confuse America’s enemies and allies abroad, not to mention Americans at home, has reversed himself yet again.

During the last two years Mr. Rumsfeld has sworn that
a) Iraq and Saddam Hussein absolutely did have so many weapons of mass destruction that you couldn’t walk down any Baghdad street without tripping over one
b) Saddam had WMD’s that he had cleverly hidden but would certainly be found within days
c) he used to have them but shipped them all to Syria before the invasion d) he had a really sharp steak knife that could leave a nasty scar
e) boy, Saddam really wished he could lay his hands on some decent cold medication.

Now, however, Mr. Rumsfeld has said he was misunderstood when he said that the Administrations intelligence was faulty. Speaking at a Press Conference on the Sci-Fi Channel Mr. Rumsfeld said, ” When I said that our intelligence was faulty I didn’t mean my personal intelligence was faulty, that would mean I’m stupid, but that our Nations intelligence was faulty, not of course meaning that Americans are stupid, which at least half of them are, but that the intelligence we received was faulty, not meaning of course that the reasons we went to war were faulty….wait…where was I?”

As assembled reporters were trying to figure out what the Secretary of Defense was saying, or not saying, Mr. Rumsfeld continued, ” You have to understand, or it’s not necessary for you to understand, quite frankly I’m not sure even I understand, that given the dynamics of the time, a sluggish economy, high unemployment, low Poll numbers for George Bush, the absolute need to further our Neo-Con Agenda and the fact that Osama bin Laden was making us look like idiots but evading capture that we had to do something that would make us look good. Pounding the crap out of an oil rich country run by a guy who tried to kill George Bush’s daddy and taking it over seemed like the expedient thing to do. Of course it may cost us the election now, but it sure seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, ” We in the Administration always love hearing what Donny-boy has to say. Gee, he always sounds so smart and stuff, especially after watching Bush in a debate.”