Rumsfeld Recuses Self Over Bird Flu Disaster Planning

Washington, DC (UPSI) – Administration officials stated today that Donald Rumsfeld will be recusing himself from further Bush plans for disaster management in regards to fears over a possible bird flu pandemic. It was revealed that Rumsfeld stands to make a sizable multimillion dollar profit as a significant shareholder in a company called Gilead which owns and licenses the rights to the manufacture of Tamiflu, a drug which could possibly ease the symptoms of an individual who might come down with the virus. UPSI, however, has learned that this is not the real reason for the recusal.

UPSI has since learned that the AH5N1 avian virus has already appeared in America, and frighteningly, has already made the transition to the human pool. A CDC physician source stated, under the condition of anonymity, that a week of intensive investigation has shown that the limited outbreak has been tracked down to “Patient X” who is none other than Donald Rumsfeld himself. The source speculated that their worst fears had been realized, and the virus has made the human-to-human transmission leap. The source further hypothesized that “War-Bird” tendencies may have been responsible for the ease of transmission to Mr. Rumsfeld.

Rumsfeld agitated over attempts at decontamination CLICK TO ENLARGE

The CDC source stated that the virus was likely acquired by Mr. Rumsfeld during his recent travels to bird flu outbreak hotspots throughout Europe and Asia. Upon arrival back in America last week, Mr. Rumsfeld apparently became enraged with workers attempting to decontaminate Air Force One and it’s passengers and crew, and refused to cooperate. Within a day afterwards, Mr. Rumsfeld came down with the illness.

Mr. Rumsfeld is expected to fully recover at this time. The CDC source refused to speculate further over whether “Typhoid Rummy”, as he is jokingly referred to, may have infected himself intentionally. The source stated a low key quarantine was in effect for the White House and that the CDC would continue to monitor its sentinel chicken-hawks for infection.