Thursday, October 20, 2005
United States Secretary of Dense Donald Rumsfeld, at the end of his forty eight hour trip to the Peoples Republic of China, told reporters that he was worried about China’s buildup of nuclear weapons, as well as discrepancies in that countries published defense budget and what Mr. Rumsfeld actually believes that spending to be. Most Americans, on hearing Mr. Rumsfeld’s concerns breathed a sigh of relief; the current thinking is that if the man who thought Iraq was a hotbed of Weapons of Mass Destruction was worried then things must be jake.
Chinese officials strove to ease the Secretaries fears, with one saying, “That fluckin guy must have noodles for blains. China has no need to nuke America, you guys are destloying yourselves without our help. Anyway, in fifty years, or less with George Bush’s policies, we’ll be the dominant superpower and the US will be a second late has been. Plus, if we destroy your country, who will be left to buy all the cheap clap we make?”
American foreign policy experts are worried about one aspect of China’s atomic weapons buildup, however. The greatest fear is that if the Bush Administration picks up on this issue in order to deflect the American people’s attention away from Republicans such as Tom Delay’s, Bill Frist’s, Karl Rove’s and Scooter Libby’s legal woes, as well as the Iraqi quagmire, the faltering US economy, poor disaster response, Harriet Miers and the fear that the President will invade Toronto, Canada, then the country will have to listen to George W. Bush mispronounce ‘nuclear’ for however long the crisis lasts. It is a scenario that is too dire for some to contemplate.
As a way of relieving Mr. Rumsfeld’s worries about it’s military budget discrepancies, one Chinese official pointed out that his country doesn’t have any contracts with Halliburton; that one fact alone saves the People’s Republic hundreds of millions of dollars a year in military spending. Therefore, the Chinese can actually do everything it’s doing for a whole lot less money. Mr. Rumsfeld was forced to see the logic in that statement and has since apologized for his remarks.
Unnamed White House Source Wegman (Pudgy) Waterhouse, speaking on the condition of anonymity said, “This Administration is committed to keeping Americans safe from it’s enemies…in this case the Americans we’re trying to keep safe are Delay, Frist, Rove, and Libby, as well as Dick (dick) Cheney and George W. Bush himself. By moving America’s focus off our legal and ethical problems we believe that through backroom deals and good old fashioned under the radar arm twisting we can get at least some off these guys off. So you see, it’s a question of security and freedom…our own.”