Rumsfeld's E-Z Lite Music Terrorist Tape…Another Crisis For George Bush?

(Washington, D.C.) Leaking more than an octogenarian alcoholic at a free beer tasting, yet another memo has come out of the White House and found its way on The Smoking Gun. It regards part of a longer training tape in which Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld claims that Adult Contemporary music should be used to “assuage citizens’ fears of a terrorist attack.”

“I don’t know about you, but I find that Bert Bacharach Geico commercial to just calm me down when I’m having one of those Iraq was a bad idea seconds,” the memo begins. It goes on. “I just wish they would let Bert sing more, because that’s what does it for me. And while I may be wrong on many things, I’m willing to bet all two armored Hummers in Amarah the American people share my feelings on Bert Bacharach as a terror weapon.”

The proposed training video is to have Americans in various situations that can cause fear. That fear then vanishes when adult contemporary music is played. Rumsfeld took what money was left in the Social Security trust to shoot test audio footage of three men locked in a stalled elevator because “for those people who don’t think it’s as terrifying as patrolling a town full of snipers, let them talk to me after they’ve been stuck in an elevator with George Bush for an hour.”

When a reporter asked White House Press Secretary Tony Snow about this at his daily morning press conference, his initial response of “this is a joke, right?” was modified at his afternoon press conference. Snow said that after having a chance to evaluate the situation and drink heavily, he had spoken unclearly. “When I said earlier that Defense Secretary Rumsfeld’s belief that Adult Contemporary music is an effective deterrent in the war on terror was a joke, I was using that as, um, an object lesson. Like, worrying about terrorism, this is a joke, because I just listened to some Air Supply, and when I think about how we’re doing in Iraq and the solutions the administration comes up to right things, I really understand how we got to where we are…wait…uh…oh sh*t.”

Snow then broke into a chorus of “I Say A Little Prayer.”

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