April 4, 2006
Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein has announced that he will seek the Republican nomination to replace outgoing Congressman Tom Delay, who announced his resignation this week in order to concentrate on keeping his sorry ass out of jail. In a news conference given in his prison cell in Baghdad’s Green Zone, Mr. Hussein said that since George W. Bush has destroyed his country far more completely than even he ever could and while he has no desire to stay in Iraq, he still has a great deal to offer. Citing his ability to keep Fundamentalist religious sects in line for over thirty years, Mr. Hussein suggested that this ability would serve him well in Texas politics.
Speaking through an interpreter, Mr. Hussein said, “While I have the utmost respect for Mr. DeLay, who was able to retain his seat for so long without ever even killing anyone, I feel that his departure opens the way for a true Conservative to represent Sugarland’s 22nd District. Truth be told, Mr. DeLay, although fairly good at his job, did make some mistakes. Take the whole FAA thing for example. While using the Federal Aviation Administration to track down his political enemies was a good start, Congressman DeLay neglected to take the next logical step and call out the Texas Air National Guard to shoot down the Democratic plane in question. Such an oversight would have never occurred had I been leader.”
22nd District Republicans, while first expressing shock and outrage at Mr. Hussein’s announcement, seem to be slowly warming to the idea. After all, they reason, Mr. Hussein has great name recognition, a proven capacity to manage a political machine that is said to have rivaled even Mr. DeLay’s, and some suspect, a large campaign war chest still salted away in Switzerland, or at least buried throughout the Iraqi desert. While being a dirty foreigner presents some problems, apparently the fact that he’s under indictment for crimes against humanity isn’t. After all, they point out, many Republicans have performed public service while facing the possibility of extended jail terms or even execution, citing as examples California Congressman Randy (Duke) Cunningham, Connecticut Governor John Rowland, Ohio Governor Bob Taft and while currently indictment free, Florida Congresswoman Katherine Harris and even President George W. Bush.
Mr. Hussein, for one, certainly seems energized by the prospect of entering the rough and tumble world of Texas politics. After all, he said, “When you’ve spent your life gassing Kurds, fighting Iranians and murdering tens of thousands of your own people, taking a few Democrats out is a cakewalk.”