(New York-NY) There are those who think a Jew should not be marshalling forth an argument of why Paris Hilton should be canonized as the saint of the 21st century. But speech is free, and you know how we sons and daughters of Israel like a deal. Is that Cossack horse hoof beats I hear or are you just excited about reading my analysis? Look if it makes my gentile readers (Catholics and Episcopalians, I believe the majority of Protestants won’t mind since they don’t have saints.) feel any better, if you want to offer tips on finding the right mohel, go to it. Get it? Tips!
Disclaimer and mea culpa done, let’s examine why Paris Hilton should be Saint Paris Of “The Simple Life”, the Saint for the 21st Century. First, a candidate for sainthood has to be dead at least five years. A tough one I’ll admit, anyone who has seen any of Paris’ internet work knows she’s very much alive and apparently able to unlatch her lower jaw bone at will. But several saints have had the rules bent a little on their behalf. So I choose to see Paris being dead as a metaphor; with “The Simple Life” pretty much flat, her CD that went lead and that great turn in “House of Wax”, let’s face it she’s flat lined.
Being dead, Saint Paris (See, I’m already thinking positive.) needs to have what’s called a “nihil obstat” granted by the Vatican. It’s a Latin phrase that translated means “nothing hinders.” Basically, it states that a bishop or higher church official has reviewed the saint’s case and given that all important Community Chest card of ” Advance to go and collect $200.” I wrote the Vatican on this one. Fingers crossed.
Assuming we get that biggie above, I’m starting to examine Paris’ life to prove that she leads a Christian one. That’s a hanging curve ball. Everyone who has a high-speed internet connection knows Paris was looser than the teeth of an Arkansas trailer park denizen above the age of 45. And now she’s going to Rwanda. She said her previous life made her “feel empty” and she wants to leave “a mark, more than the ones from stiletto heels during a really rocking bondage season.”
Now the two miracles, and I’m not talking David Blaine miracles. I’m talking no WMD and still invade Iraq neo-con miracles. But we’re not at a dead end. The key is prayer. If a person is praying to a saint and if said saint intercedes because of that person’s prayer that can be a miracle. Well, I nominate myself. Without going into the details because underage eyes may be reading, it was 2AM, my Viagra was out, my companion was willing and just a trip to my computer and a montage of Paris on LiveLeak.com, and I saw the One whose name shall not be written, and my companion invoked His name…twice.
The second miracle is going to be rougher water on which to walk. On this one, I’m stumped. Maybe you can help, because it’s my hope that I’ve convinced some of you that Paris is worthy to join the legion of the holy. Sure, she’s not like Saint Francis. Of course, there is Tinkerbell. And she’s not like Saint Lucia, whose eyes were gouged out as punishment for keeping her Christian virtue, though Paris is near sighted. But do you see anyone around up for this gig…I mean the gig the way it used to be? This is a Saint for the 21st Century. Even Barry Bonds had to use steroids to beat Hammerin’ Hank Aaron’s homerun record. Can we really expect the saints of the new millennium to be like the saints of the old?
I put it to you this way. What man between the ages of 13 and death has not been touched by Paris? And what woman has not felt pity for Paris and therefore made herself superior, not too noble a virtue. Ladies, it seems Paris makes you face your shallow self to transcend it. Sounds like all saint stuff to me.
So, help me get this done. Let’s put Paris on the road to sainthood. Let’s let the future generations know that we knew what mattered at the dawn of the 21st Century. Say “yes” to Saint Paris Hilton of “The Simple Life”!
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