Kristopher Kringle, aka Santa Claus, was arrested yesterday by agents of the SEC at his home in the North Pole. The arrest comes just days before Christmas, the day traditionally Mr. Kringle issues his Claus Corp.LLC company’s dividends, normally in the form of toys for his investor’s children. Accused by agents of perpetrating the planet’s largest Ponzi scheme, one that threatens to rival recently disgraced financer and former NASDAQ chief, Bernard Madoff’s, Mr. Kringle faces 13,456,987,213 counts of fraud; investigators believe that even more charges will be forthcoming.
Mr. Kringle, according to arresting agents, admitted that his entire operation was based on, “One Big Lie”, as he was being taken away in handcuffs. Several elves were also arrested, charged with interfering with the arrest.
According to the indictment, Mr. Kringle issued his dividends based on a complicated and apparently bogus system involving points for investor’s children based on whether they had been ‘naughty or nice’. The scheme fell apart when a close accounting revealed that while many wealthy ‘naughty’ children received gifts, many poorer ‘nice’ children still saw no real return on their efforts. Apparently, the number of naughty children began to overwhelm the number of nice ones, causing the collapse of the pyramid.
The investigation started last year when an exceptionally nice child of a junior member of the Securities and Exchange Commission, who was making only twenty four thousand dollars as an entry level salary, alerted his father that “Santa Claus stiffed me, Daddy”. The agent then began an accounting after hearing his supervisor, who was several pay grades above him and had a real prick for a kid, jokingly remarked that “Santa” had been exceptionally generous to his child that year.
After sifting through thousands of hand written lists siezed from Claus Corp. and containing millions of names, agents used a complicated logarithm which compared actual gifts given to the investigations of thousands of children conducted by the Department of Homeland Security, The FBI and NSA over the last seven years. The results were startling. Poor children who were ‘nice’ received an average of 10.2% less gifts per Christmas than children of richer parents who weren’t nice at all. In one instance, hotel heiress Paris Hilton received gifts last year totaling in the neighborhood of fifty six thousand dollars while Tyrell Johnson, a straight A student, Red Cross Volunteer and Boy Scout from the South Bronx netted presents worth seventeen dollars and fifty cents.
One arresting agent said that there was apparently no rhyme nor reason to gift giving inequities, saying, “If the guy just gave to every good boy and girl equally, he wouldn’t be in this mess.” Lawyers for Mr. Kringle are alleging fraud of their own, saying that many parents of naughty children have been giving gifts to their off-spring labeled as ‘From Santa’. While this may indeed be true, as apocryphal evidence seems to suggest, it still doesn’t explain the wild inequities of the ‘gifts to goodness’ logarithm allegedly used by Claus Corp’s accountants. The investigation is continuing.