Famed gift-giver Santa Clause announced today that Santa’s Workshop, which has been supplying children around the world with toys for over 150 years, will be closing its doors forever.
Santa stated that the current worldwide financial crisis, global unrest, global warming and other factors have made it unprofitable to deliver gifts to Christian families. Santa also announced that he will be declaring bankruptcy.
“The whole North Pole is melting”, Santa said in an exclusive interview with Unconfirmed Sources. “It’s cost everything I have just to keep the buildings from going under. Refrigeration units are all we have to keep this place from turning into a pile of slush!”
“It used to be, back in the old days”, Santa continued, “that kids wanted simple toys like yoyos and dolls. Now kids want fricking video game consoles, computers, iPods and all that crap. I just can’t afford to stay in business anymore!”
Santa has been forced to lay off his entire staff of 3,972 elves and other workers. “Where the hell in an elf supposed to find a job? There’s not much demand for elves these days!” complained Laekjaraegir, Santa’s forman in the electronics division.
In addition, many of Santa’s reindeer have been dying off due to brucellosis. The major impacts of brucellosis in reindeer are abortion and sterility. Retained placentas, swollen joints, enlarged testicles and abscesses are signs of possible infection. It is believed that brucellosis is primarily spread through contact with infectious uterine discharges following abortion. Brucellosis has been infecting many reindeer herds in the northern areas.
Santa also complained that the business was unprofitable because parents and children only donated cookies and milk instead of cash during his yearly trek.
Some children interviewed expressed dismay at Santa’s misfortune. 5-year-old Tammy Hawkins said, “that bastard! If I don’t get a Wii this Christmas I’m gonna kick him in the balls!”
The U.S. Government has not yet decided on a bailout plan for Santa.