Sarah Palin, Glen Beck And Terry Smith (Or How To Win The Mid-Term Elections)

When your editors tell you something like: ‘The last two pieces you posted were pretty angry and downbeat and this is a humor site, so you better get your act in gear and write something funny.’, you tend to sit up and take notice. Of course, my editors haven’t said anything remotely like that to me…in fact, my editor’s haven’t spoken to me in over six months and now that I think about (it), I’ve never even met them; this whole e-rag could just be a CIA front for all I know (Coffee, Camels and Paranoia- the Breakfast of the Champions of the Left). But the fact remains, I’m still pissed off at us Democrats. Why? Well, in case you haven’t read the other two stories (and we’ll take that as a given), I’ll tell you again:

There are less than two months till the mid-term elections and tomorrow, the anniversary of 9/11, two of the weirdest people the Right has to offer (and that’s saying something)- Beck and Palin- are gonna get together and throw a little do up in Alaska. No one knows what they’re gonna say or do, and that’s part of the plan… to make people talk about them, speculate, to not pay attention to any of the real issues facing us or the candidates they’ve put forward. Just stay angry, don’t think, then vote for whoever’s not in office.

Between The ‘Whacko’s In Wasilla’ event and our own little Christian Taliban, the Rev. Terry (Call Me The Middle Finger Of God) Smith down in Florida, who’s trying to get our troops killed in Afghanistan by burning Qurans, the Tea Party aims to co-opt September 11th the way Beck tried to co-opt Dr. Martin Luther King’s “I Have A Dream” speech just last month. And not one prominent Democratic voice is raised in outrage, no is saying the 21st century’s equivalent of “Have you no shame, sir?” Well, Roger Ebert has and I guess that’s fitting since this is all just political theater anyway so who better to talk about it than a movie reviewer?

Aside from the obvious irony of intolerant racists using the anniversary of Dr. King’s speech to promote, um, well, intolerance and racism and 9/11 to do whatever the hell they’re gonna do, there’s a subtler irony too. Less than forty years after MLK’s speech, we elected a Black man as our President and that Black man is finally re-focusing America’s military on fighting the Taliban and al-Qaeda in Afghanistan, the very place where this guy Smith is trying to inflame the people to fight against us by burning their Scripture because he’s extremely religious as opposed to a religious extremist (uh…), and anyway, we should withdraw from there because we can’t win even though we have to fight these gosh-darned Muslims everywhere, all the time, so we can spread Christ’s word of peace and love. (Editor’s Note: this last paragraph is a syntax nightmare…not to mention meandering and convoluted. See? We are watching dude, so watch it.)

(Author’s Note: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Pay me.) Oh, wait, wait. Obama’s a Muslim too, see, so he’s secretly trying to lose the war he’s escalating so we’ll be forced to pull out, which is what we’re saying he should do because we don’t want to pay the cost of fighting a war against the very Muslim extremists we say we should be fighting. Or something like that. So much for patriotism. Or common fucking sense.

And yet, despite the rampant stupidity of these two (or three, or four or five) seditious jerks, we’ll still get out-voted in November because it’s easier for most Americans to believe blatant lies than parse complicated truths, especially when no one’s brave enough to point those truths out. So come November, we’re gonna lose- not just the Democrats, but mainstream (read: the sane ones) Republicans too. The Tea Party will put a bunch of right-wing radicals in Congress and the Senate whose only goal will be to stop Barack Obama from doing anything, even if they agree with it. If all goes according to plan, we’ll see President Palin in 2012 and maybe even Vice President Beck and if that ain’t something for political satirists to look forward to (if we’re not in prison, that is), I don’t know what is.