Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, at a recent speaking engagement in Norfolk, Virginia accused United States President Barack Obama of ‘selling out America’s allies’. Speaking to an elite group of guests, Ms. Palin said, “As Todd and I have always said, now more than ever we need allies. With traffic getting worse and worse, even up there in Anchorage, allies are perfect for just scooting up and avoiding all those cars at busy intersections.”.
As aides tried to surreptitiously get her 3×5 file card notes away from her for a quick re-write, Ms. Palin continued, “And it’s not just our allies here at home…oh, no. He wants to sell the allies of our friends in Israel too, if you can believe it.” (The audience had no trouble believing it, by the way). Why, I was told there was a report that he wanted to sell the allies right behind their television station- Tele-Vive, which means “Television Cheers” in French”.
Ms. Palin grew visibly more upset while simultaneously spiking an aide in the eye who was crawling towards the podium with the 4″ heel of her Manolo Blahnik’s and wagging her finger at the audience, “Now, I’ve been seeing lots and lots of those news trucks, let me tell ya, and they take up a lot of room. If you take em out of the allies and make em use the main streets, traffic in the Jewish cities is gonna be backed up for miles!”
At this point Ms. Palin’s handlers, finally realizing that the wildly applauding audience either wasn’t actually listening to her or didn’t know the difference between allies and alleys either, ceased trying to stop her and continued to triage their wounded comrade’s eye. Ms. Palin finished her…thought?…by saying, “Look, America, I don’t know exactly why Barack wants to sell all our little back streets to Russia and China; those Liberals in the White House aren’t telling us everything, let me tell ya. But what’s gonna happen to the deli shop owner if their delivery trucks can’t get through the ally to get their rye bread delivered? Why, business will stop…they won’t be able to sell their ham and cheese sandwiches to the Jewish priests- who they call Rabies, by the way- that’s what. It’s the little guy, the small business owners, that’ll suffer. I don’t know about you, but I won’t stand for anymore government intervention in the rights of small Isreally business owners!”
Ms. Palin, who regularly champions the rights of the little guy at a hundred thousand dollars a speech, plus an extensive contract rider including five star hotel suites and first class air-fare, has increasingly shown her grasp on foreign affairs in recent months. While at first derided by the Left for resigning her seat as Governor of Alaska barely halfway through her first term, it has become obvious that Ms. Palin has used the time wisely, studying hard (reports are she’s even read her own book, ‘Going Rouge”…twice) and learning all about foreign things like the affairs that people have in other countries.
These foreign affairs hold a particularly close place in the erstwhile Governor’s heart, as she is solidly Pro-Life and concerned that all these out of wedlock affairs could lead to abortion or even worse, little fatherless foreign babies that American taxpayers would have to foot the bill for when all these unwed foreign mothers bring their little bastard children to America to be a burden on our healthcare system and eat up all our food stamps. She has also come out solidly against Gay marriage, citing the fact that married Gay men would then get each other pregnant and have little Gay Babies that regular God fearing Christian babies would then have to fight for limited classroom space with as they grew up. It’s a dire scenario, as chilling as hunting from a helicopter during a February in the Yukon.
During her speech, Ms. Palin also blamed Environmentalists for the BP oil spill, citing the fact that if they hadn’t made oil rig workers so nervous with their anti-drilling signs and stuff, the accident probably never would’ve happened. She also pointed out that ANWAR (The Arctic National Wildlife Refuge) has no Gulf of Mexico in it and therefore fishermen could practice their trading of shrimp in peace, since any oil that spilled there would be quickly noticed on the snow and could be easily sopped up with rags and paper towels before things got out of hand.