Red-faced scientists at NASA admit that a massive 200 square mile asteroid will be crashing into the Midwestern United Sates tomorrow afternoon thus obliterating nearly all life on Earth. They apologized for not spotting the asteroid sooner.
“If we had spotted it sooner we might have been able to do something about it”, said NASA administrator Mike Griffin. Now all we can do is bend over and kiss our asses goodbye”.
Griffin explained that if the asteroid had been past the moon then the government could have altered its trajectory by firing a nuclear missile to explode neat the object. Now the object is to close to do anything but watch it crash.
Astronomers at various universities had noticed the giant rock approaching Earth but they assumed it would miss by a million miles or so and chose to ignore the object. However, last night a sharp eyed astronomer at Princeton University spotted the asteroid as it hurtled past the moon and directly in the path of Earth.
“You could imagine my shock when I saw this thing coming towards us at blinding speed!” said Princeton astronomer Hal Gaylord. “It’s nearly 50 miles wide and 40 miles deep. An asteroid that size will surely destroy the planet. Even those in deep underground bunkers will perish!”
Andrew Speigelman, a Los Angeles audio engineer, says he is gathering some of his closest friends and relative to a rooftop party to celebrate the cataclysm. “I’m gonna get some friends, some brews, some babes and we’re gonna party our asses off until this thing crashes. I just hope I get laid before the end comes!”
“Where’s Jesus? Where’s the anti-Christ? ” asked Roman Catholic priest Mario Sullivan. “They were supposed to be here at the end! If they doesn’t show up my whole congregation will be pissed!”.
17 year old high school cheerleader Brittany Walker says she plans on losing her virginity tonight. “I was hoping to wait until I got married but it looks like that just ain’t gonna happen”.
Her boyfriend, 17 year old football player and fellow student Todd Glinchy couldn’t be more pleased. “All right! This end of the Earth stuff rocks!”
Doctors and scientists assured the public that the end would be fast, painless and, possibly, enjoyable.