Scientology Issues Statement Condemning Anonymous

Los Angeles,CA (Rotters) – In a tersely worded statement at the Los Angeles Church of Scientology, spokesperson Tom Cruise today announced that the Church of Scientology would be pursuing all means, legal and otherwise, to shut down the Internet group referring to themselves as simply “Anonymous”. Cruise went on to reveal that special Church of Scientology investigators, working out of the Sea Org branch had been able to track online those responsible for hacking the church’s main website. According to Cruise’s prepared statement, Sea Org investigators were now relatively certain that their arch-nemesis Xenu was behind the highly coordinated series of attacks.

“We find ourselves on the forefront of a battle for the minds and spiritual energy of the entire human race,” stated Cruise. “It’s going to take the resources of all Scientologists, from the lowly street sweeper to the nuclear physicist to push back against his subversive suppression of religious freedom. We will not rest until the entire human race is cleared.”

Cruise played for reporters the most recent YouTube communication from “Anonymous”.

“Note the stilted, mechanical, almost Borg-like quality to the voice,” stated Cruise. “Sea Org has, with 99% certainty, matched the voice of the narrator to archival recordings of Xenu in our possession. We will be turning over our findings to the FBI, and our lawyers will begin pushing for charges of hate crimes to be brought by legal authorities.”

Cruise refused to elaborate for reporters what other alternatives the church might pursue. He then vigorously denied rumors that the church was prepared to conduct extreme rendition upon suspects that might come into their custody. The church has come under fire for the death of a former Scientologist, Lisa McPherson and has continually denied that the death was the result of a controversial technique called “Theta Boarding”.

“The Church of Scientology does not torture,” insisted Cruise, “brainwashing is not considered torture… look it up.”