(Washington, D.C.) It was a routine afternoon White House press conference. But somewhere between a question on why the Bush administration was urging the satirical newspaper The Onion to refrain from using The Presidential Seal and another on the President’s approval rating sinking to the point where it could only be viewed as positive if it was a golf score, Press Secretary Scott McClellan’s head exploded.
ABC news veteran Cokie Roberts was shocked. “That vein in his right temple had been twitching since the beginning of the whole Plame business, but I never knew it would blow. Look at this?” Roberts pulled McClellan’s tie from her hair. “Man, his melon went up like an I.E.D.”
The press conference was a study in normalcy up to the point of cranial detonation said CNN White House correspondent John King. “After every fifth Cheney/Plame question, he’d mop the sweat from his brow. Every one on President Bush’s belief in intelligent design, he’d swig from his bottle of Pepto-Bismol. Then, he was just about to put the bottle to his lips and, well, he never made it.”
The exact question that triggered the explosion has been narrowed down to two. Will the President declare The Onion staff enemy combatants under The Patriot Act if they persist in using the Presidential Seal? Or it could have been an allusion to Senate hopeful Al Franken’s comment on The Late Show with David Letterman. Since George H.W. Bush, former head of the C.I.A., said that anyone leaking C.I.A. information is guilty of treason, if Dick Cheney is found at fault, will he be executed as a traitor or just declared an enemy combatant, and will he and The Onion staff share the same cell?
Members of the Press Corp remain mute on who dealt the fatal question. Speaking under the condition of anonymity, one correspondent said: “None of us really wants to take credit for blowing up the White House Press Secretary because it pretty much would mean that we’d have to turn in our press credentials.”
Calls to the White House were met with a taped message. “You have reached the White House. We’d like to answer your questions, but our Press Secretary’s head just exploded. Thank you.”
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